Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Unduly

It's official. I am floating .0623124 centimeters above personal rock bottom.

Although it must be said, spiritually and emotionally I remain soaring through the clouds. We found out, and excitedly announce to all of the cyber world: my second little wonder of the world is in the works. Yes, I am pregnant!

Enough of that la la schmaa beautiful news, lest you think this is a pleasant post. We're talking about my physical and mental status. My topic of discussion today is my personal "cool" factor, or complete lack thereof. Actually, calling it a disussion would imply that there is some sort of exchange of witty banter occurring in my blogging adventures, however since NO SINGLE PERSON bothers to post a comment, I must assume this is a between Ms. Rachel and her bosom friend: Ms. Rachel. Thanks a lot. Don't worry, I'm not bitter....Sarah, and Daniel, and my mother, and my grandmother, and my friends, or my imaginary friends......

What brings such self loathing today? Let me explain:

I woke up feeling painfully fatigued. I want to sleep for the next ten years while my body gets to work on my new little buns of joy, that unforunately will make his/her grand debut from buns of increased cellulite, stretch marks, and water retension. (Graphic! My apologies....)

During this fatigue, I have lost all desire to get dressed properly, apply any sort of makeup, or assemble a somewhat appropriate outfit. I arrive places with embarrassingly baggy jeans, flip flops, an old tee shirt, and an extremely darling, rather expensive, black fancy coat with fur trim from BeBe that was never intended whatsoever to be coupled with baggy jeans, flip flops, and an old tee shirt. Even my adoring husband looked at me across the table from lunch yesterday at Applebees and said, "Oh sweetie, you look so frizzy." What's that supposed to mean?

I logged on today to read one of my blogging inspiration Emily's posts. I have only met her once years ago through another friend. However, this friend later emailed me a link to her adorable blog site. She is intelligent and just about as cute as can be. Even more cool...she showcases her goods looks AND brains by using incredible terms such as unduly as she narrates dear little instances of motherhood with her son Henry. I am simply pea green with envy!

I at once openly confess that I am eager utilizer of the synonym option as you right click your word while typing in Microsoft programs. It is the mask I hide behind to fool people into thinking my vocabulary is wide as the ocean blue. ( I actually came up with that analogy myself...hence the reason it sounds stupid). As I read through Emily's positively radiant ramblings, I can't help but notice how she so flippantly used a word as wonderful as unduly. I don't know why, but whenever I stumble upon big and insightful words my brain replies, "Oops, that's a little too much for you to process and retain, you won't be needing that....Discard!"
When composing an essay in English class, if I used a smashingly brilliant word such as convey or portray I considered it A+, Pulitzer prize material and was always insulted to inevitably learn otherwise.

Emily, I also see that you have ELEVEN responses to your latest post. Congratulations, everyone else seems to relish your use of the word unduly as much as I, or me, or whatever the proper pronoun is/was/will be.

After reading and feeling warm, fuzzy, and pea green from these posts, I went into the bathroom to inspect the latest fungi on my face (pregnancy/hormone induced acne). As I smiled while thinking about my future posterity, I also noticed the yellow scalloped potatoe remnants from my mother's dinner last night (Yes, too lazy to cook and sick of Burger King, thanks Mom). The smile faded slowly as I stepped on the scale and realized the number has increased by 3 pounds. I have only been pregnant for approx. 76 minutes or so, how did I already gain 3 pounds? Alas, if it's anything like my last pregnancy...I still have an approx. 42 pounds to go. I looked down at my toes, and half heartedly consoled myself by thinking that at least those were still visible. Caked with old polish, chipped, and grotesquely long...but still visible.

I pulled away, looked myself squarely and sharply in the eye through our all too giant and honest mirror and said, "Enough! This is ridiculous! I hold these truths to be self evident: That all mothers to be do not need to look like you! Mother is NOT synonymous with ugly barfus looking hag! You do not need to sacrifice yourself to this fatigue, nor are you defeated! Stand tall like the hot 23 something year old you should be and pull yourself together!"

Immediately, the white flag of surrender was replaced with the blaring gun shots of my bubble bath dispenser dropping like bombs into the steamy bathtub.
I immersed myself, and victoriously emerged a cleaner- fresher mother.

Since, I have applied my slightly self tanning tinged Dove body lotion, added a splash of perfume, and coated my sparkling clean fungi with Mary Kay night solution and moisturizer- after finally brushing my teeth.

I even added a coat of fresh and clear polish to my nails. I will finish my toes this evening.

Already, I am feeling, oh...what's the word? Unduly optimistic of my future as a hot mom.

6 comments:

Rae's Corner said...

You are one HOT MAMA, you turn me on when you get into the sauna!!!

Emily said...

Oh Rachel...you had me laughing out loud several times with this post. blogging is all about self-promotion. we put our best foot forward. my life might look rosey and lovely on my blog, but i have a freaky dark ring around my toilets, dust bunnies in my corners, really grumpy days and fungus just like everyone else.

Rae's Corner said...

I just have to clarify my dashing husband's comments. He actually SINGS that phrase while gyrating his hips like the 150% while man that he is.
It goes something like this..."OONE HHOOOTT MAMA, she TURNS ME ON when she steps intooo the SAUNA! OONNE HOOOOTTT MAMMMA!
Thank you, dear.

Rae's Corner said...

TYLER WROTE THE FIRST COMMENT YOU SEE. I DON'T WANT PEOPLE THINKING I WROTE THAT ABOUT MYSELF!!!!

Mom said...

Oh my gosh...I better repent and write a blog??? Is that what it is called or is it just - a comment? When my own daughter has 3 of the 4 comments comming from her own computer - it is time to rectify this problem (hey, there's a word...rectify!)...
Awesome, totally awesome blog spot...I love it, and am so impressed with your insight, humor and expensive private education provided composition skills!
What a treat to be able to share these wonderful moments of Lily Lu's life and the musing's of her mother...my incredible daughter. Thanks for it all.
MOM

Emily said...

Rae...
i responded to this post on my blog...and i don't want you to feel singled out or attacked AT ALL! i just wanted everyone to know how un-charming my life can be :) you're not the first one to think it's all roses and "unduly" loveliness :) i love your blog...keep it up, girl :)