Tuesday, July 17, 2007


It has been so long since I’ve written! Each time I would try to sit and compose some post worthy thought a screeching radar in my mind tuned in like an emergency broadcast system:
“RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR......We interrupt your pitiful attempt to muster something worth saying to remind you that you still have nothing of consequence, or interest, to share.......”

How am I ever going to be a regularly featured columnist in O Magazine unless I can consistently say something- anything!???
I won’t even attempt to flatter myself with the self proclaimed title of aspiring “writer” or “journalist” or “columnist” really. My grammar is poor, my thoughts mediocre, and even at best- my writing is simply an extremely self indulgent method of speaking on and on without being interrupted.

With that being said, there is one subject of whom I can always find something worth writing about, and to all readers she will always be worth reading about: Lily Tyler Haack

Oh universe, if only I could search your nooks and crannies for words fitting enough for my little girl! I do her no justice when I try to speak, write, sing, or even interpretively dance about her (Okay, okay...I don’t really interpretively dance). Still, I have to try because my feelings inside for her are at constant risk of severe nuclear explosion if I don’t let off some steam, somewhere. Either that or Lily will accidentally be eaten by her mother in an overwhelming display of pure cuteness.

I think back to the day I took that pregnancy test in our old condo’s bathroom, now just over two years ago. Thrilled to my fingertips and jumping with excitement, it is funny that even at that moment with all our anticipation, Tyler and I still had NO CLUE the all encompassing joy and meaning that was suddenly in the works.

Just two years ago, my life was very neat and tidy. My hair looked fabulous. I wore heels everyday, whether to work or play. Tyler and I could afford sushi- in fact we were the weekly basis goo goo gaa gaa feed each other with chopsticks sort of sushi snobs. We slept in every weekend. I even slept in darling little lingerie get ups, with no stretch marks where my thighs met my buttocks. And we were happy.

Now, my hair frequently is pulled back with Spaggettio remnants laced throughout. I adore flats. Tyler and I eat sushi in between pregnancies and bonus checks, and when we do go out to eat instead of feeding each other in our goo goo gaa gaa fashion, food is flung at us (and anyone within a two mile proximity) from our goo goo gaa gaa girly. We are positively sleep deprived, and quibble over whose turn it is to sleep that extra hour on an occasional weekend. We sleep in a giant V shape, with our feet touching and heads tilting off opposite sides of the bed and Lily very comfortably sprawled between. Our toes therefore get to make an incessant amount of love, sometimes the only representatives of our still steaming hot feelings for each other.

We read stories, go to the park, and eat ice cream cones. We love “Buwiids” (Birds) and dancing to the Wiggles. Our cupboards are full of sippy cups and binkies. Our backyard has the most luxurious form of blow up pool fun and our grass is speckled with Lily Lu toys. We wake up to big kisses and hugs and loves from a beaming toddler -with matted hair and a pee pee diaper- and fruit oatmeal preparing for its regular morning application all over the walls. And we are happy, enormously happy. Happier than happy.

Why? You might ask. How could a return to juvenile monotony with bedtimes and cartoons and whole milk be so fulfilling? Especially in comparison to personal free time, undisturbed sleep, and sushi sushi sushi!!????

My answer would be: I have NO idea. It just is. And that is the best part about it. The miracle and mystery of your capacity to love a person you’ve created is just that: a miracle and a mystery.

The other day Tyler came out of our bedroom after getting Lily to sleep. He said, “Ohhh, I was just in heaven. Lily was laying there with me and cupped my face with both of her hands and leaned in so close that she was touching my nose and just began smiling whispering in her baby gibberish ‘Heeee beez beez beez weezy wee’, it was so great I didn’t want it to end!” Lily makes him more giddy than I could ever hope too. That’s okay though, she’s the only other female allowed to share his affection.

A few nights ago, upon discovering we were out of Lily’s precious whole milk supply, I packed her in car and headed quickly to the nearest 7 Eleven. Pulling up, there was a plethora of Reno’s finest late night life gambling addicted souls (Any Reno native understands who I’m talking about here. The kind of people that spend their time at gas stations, gambling all night...). In a moment of obnoxiously self righteous indignation, I mumbled to myself, “What is this, loser hangout central?”
This mumbling was interrupted by a high pitched little squeal of “HHHIiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!” as I turned back to witness my little golden curly haired girl waving her pudgy hand excitedly at a man who possibly holds the Guinness world record for the highest level of ink injection humanly tolerable (translation: very very tattooed).

As he smiled genuinely and waved back I shamefully reflected on my beautifully innocent and very non-judgmental daughter beaming in the back seat. Even as the hardened adult man that he appeared, his eyes shone through the same vulnerable appreciation in being shown affection and care and attention.

Just as Tyler didn’t want one of his very special moments to end with her, I savor this time of indelible sweetness and innocent trust. Sooner than later, cynicism and doubt and mistrust will settle into to those pudgy little hands and itty bitty nails as she waves less and less to humankind. Sometimes, it will be cynicism and mistrust taught to her by her own mother, who ironically treasures this time of smiling and undiscriminating perfection. One day, it will be me who will teach her she is not like the Mr. Tatty-too with his twelve pack and sunken eyes, and we most certainly don’t date men who hang out at Seven Elevens in the wee hours. It will be me that will try to surround her with people that I think will help her, therefore removing her from those that don’t. Slowly, from myself as well as peers and family and every human crossing through her life, she will learn the good and the bad. And that is so sad. But for now, as long as she is in the protection of my arms I pleasure in her perfectly unstained interaction with others.
Maybe that is why anyone with a relatively healthy emotional I.Q. can’t resist the smile of a chubby toddler. It isn’t just the round eyes and toothless grin that draws you in, it is the reminder that there are really perfect little people in our presence. They are like the breath of freshest air in a world of sometimes putridly stagnant humanity. They redeem us, they are our next chance at something better. Clean little wonderful slates with chubby bellies and knobby knees.

We were once them too. I was. Mr. coked out Tatty-too was. The only difference lies in the fact that somebody might have failed Mr. Tatty-too along his path- maybe he trusted things that weren’t to be trusted. I might not have his sunken eyes but I have a disgraceful level of judgment to be doled out in Seven Eleven parking lots. Nonetheless, he was once perfect and trusting and beautiful, as was I, and Lily reminds us of that of that now distant fact.

I am in the presence of perfection everyday. It comes in the form of a toddling diapered lady swishing through my house, dumping goldfish on the carpet, smiling at complete strangers, and singing The Itsy Bitsy Spider. I live for her kisses and hugs. Maybe that is why this whole parenthood thing feels so good. I live for her happiness, because she is the truest definition of mine!


Amy said...

Rae - this post is my favorite yet. It is definitely of interest and consequence and you can officially call yourself a writer, journalist, columnist...or whatever you want.

Rae's Corner said...

Amy- Coming from a REAL writer such as yourself, thank you! I am so flattered! By the way- you haven't sent me any more of your work lately?
Send some!

Emily said...

Hi Rae, sorry I've been a ghost around here...loved this post, it just oozes love and joy. Lily is so sweet--wish I could know her in real life. Hearts to you and your little family.

Anonymous said...

I just wanted you to know that I love your blogs-you are a great writer. I'm so happy when I see a new one. You are a very lucky woman with a great life and a great family and thank you for sharing it.

Rae's Corner said...

Emily- It's so nice when you stop by, my blogging celebrity friend.

Anonymous- Thank you so so much for enjoying my readings and ponderings, I'd love to know who you are!

Jacob said...

RACHEL You melt me every time with your blogs. I cant wait to see lily again.

You brother Cub