Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Top 3 Reasons why celebrating at Chili’s on a 3rd anniversary with a total package of a man is 3 million times better than eating at the finest steakhouse married to some TwirPy JeRkY pErV….

Sitting with a friend at my husband’s softball game a few weeks ago, we were graced with the delightfully enlightened conversation of 3 ever so honorable gentlemen whose conversation went something like this…

“F_____ Bleep bleep bleep beer. F______ Bleep Pu___ bleep bleep C_____ bleep bleep bleep mother F______ bleep bleep yeah dude.”

I actually know each of the above mentioned gentlemen, and they were fully aware of the presence of women in their company. I turned to my friend and thankfully uttered, “Aren’t you so glad you have an Austin? And I have a Tyler….we are so lucky.”

Anne of Green Gables was once asked by her astute adoptive mother Marilla, “Why Anne, would you want to marry a wicked man?”
To which Anne replied, “Not a man that is really wicked, but I would like it if he could be wicked.

And hence describes the ever present quandary of the female psyche. We love a bad boy, but one that is tame. We drool at a rough exterior, and sigh at a gentle touch. We complain we want compassion and understanding, but occasionally a little standoffish macho-ism really gets our blood boiling (in a good way). Mel Gibson in a smelly and suggestive kilt sends us into a lustful tizzy as he brutally hacks his way through crowds of soldiers for the woman he loves. We adore the scent of our ridiculously expensive perfumes, and yet equally pleasure in the stench of a dirty construction workin’ babe or football player. OOo La lA, the Mars and Venus thing doesn’t even begin to explain the ironic churnings of our highlighted, deeply conditioned heads.

However, where in the course of this dilemma did we begin giving off the signal that behaving and speaking like an uneducated, perverted little moron was acceptable, attractive, or a sign of worthy manhood? Why and how is it that these nasty mouthed boys actually HAVE girlfriends, and devoted ones at that? Girlfriends that linger despite commitment ….Has the selection really dwindled so? Somewhere in the midst of waiting for Ben Affleck to arrive in his chivalrous Pearl Harbor-esque army uniform, or Richard Gere on his Camelot bound stallion, did they throw up their hands and say, “Okay….I guess perverted little moron will have to do.”

And was it at this surrendering moment for womankind that young men realized that to dwarf into beer bonging, potty mouthed, wanna hook up at a party but wouldn’t dream of asking you to dinner, X-box obsessed frat boys acting like 13 year olds was easier than donning a kilt laced with a scrap of maturity and just hint of valor?

I fear that so many of us girls have succumbed to this epidemic, simply sitting back and waiting for our prospects, our boyfriends, our men to grow up a little before taking the marital dive. When they hit their mid 30’s, these boys may finally grow to men, and take us to the finest steakhouses in town while planning the nursery for children they are finally ready for. I obviously don’t speak for all women, or all men, when I say these things. I am clearly being caught in a flustered dither after angrily pondering the wholesome conversation of the aforementioned boys. It’s just that after these such experiences I no longer wonder why people my age look at marriage, turn the other way and bolt. Who is out there to marry? And is it a better prospect to live single and content until glorious maturity and stable financial times arrive? Why not wait till midlife to begin building life with someone else?

When Tyler and I were driving to Chili’s, the only restaurant within limited budgetary constraints for the week- regardless of marital anniversary status- I suggested a little game. Just to highlight my complete hypocrisy when it comes to the topic of maturity, I confess that I am that girl that plays those games, those games that a male would be safer to light a 3 ton stick of dynamite in front of his face rather than engage in …
The “If you absolutely could never ever ever ever ever have me as a girlfriend, who would you pick?” game, or the “If you absolutely HHHHAAAADD to pick someone BESIDES me, who would you say is the prettiest girl you’ve ever seen?” game.
Tyler has once, and only once, naively fallen prey to these game traps, as a 16 year-old when we were dating and mistakenly mentioned such a female. Shamefully, I will admit that even to this day I wouldn’t consider it a complete tragedy if the girl whosenameIshallneverspeak were to be involved in a freakish dye disaster causing dramatic hair loss. Tyler will also never watch a movie with Brad Pitt without sulking..
Having moved on from such trivial patter, I very smoothly suggested we play “Top 3 things on our 3rd anniversary that we want for our marriage in the future.”

To which Tyler answered,

1. That the future will be as blissful and fun as these past three years have been.
2. That we will have a happy and successful family.
3. More sex.

Completely satisfied, I sat back and savored the pure manliness of my man.. Honorable, sweet as pie….and yes, a man.

I turned to him and said thank you. Thank you for going against everyone else’s good judgement and advice and asking me to marry you. Thank you for taking this risk with me. Thank you for enjoying the responsibility and the depth that comes with marriage and children. Thank you for having fun at Chili’s with Con Queso dip and Chocolate Molten Cake instead of swearing up a storm with your mouth spewing tobacco juice at late night softball games. And thank you for not being ashamed of our life.


On a major budget, completely out of range with societal norms, expecting our second child, working long hours, always striving for a better life, running triathlons, playing basketball, getting all sweaty and dare I say sexy… I’m so lucky to have found this real man.
I’ve come up with the top 3 reasons I am confident in our marriage both now and in the future:

1. You
2. You
3. You



I love you…..

2 comments:

MOM said...

Thank you Tyler...We don't deserve you...or at least Ira doesn't!(lol) And thank you Don & Lori Haack for sharing your incredible son with us. With love and thanks...
MOM-Alexis

Joan Koplin said...

Heart-melter, Rae. It makes me so happy to know how content and satisfied you are with your life and your man. We truly are blessed: you to have Tyler and me with my Brandon.
Happy Anniversary!