Wednesday, June 25, 2008

A little bit of Art....

Who doesn't appreciate a good piece of art? Seriously.

And can I get an Amen! when I say that I am so sick of junk masquerading as art. Case in point: 85% of the material in Tate Modern (London, England). I'm sorry, but a giant wooden carving of an outlet plug (yes, an outlet plug, like what is on the end of the cord you plug your lamp into a wall with) hanging from the ceiling. Stupid. And I don't care if it isn't polished or progressive to just admit that the Emperor is walking around naked - Capish?

So when I stumble upon art that is truly unique, creative...and beautiful, I love love love it. Even more, I love this artist - a mother of three who somehow miraculously manages to cultivate and expand on this talent of hers. She takes the ordinary and can make something extraordinary.
It's like modern art with a vintage flair!
Old books, wallpaper, a little bit of this, a smidge of that, all mixed and matched to create something new and interesting.

Have I mentioned I love it?

You've gotta check it out...her website for shopping will be up soon and you can actually purchase stuff (I'm especially excited for the greeting cards!)



Just Click:

Here


Cheers!

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Tough as nails

"I didn't like the pregnancy blog very much until you got to the reasons you hated being pregnant. Then I thought it was kind of funny. Can you send me something that focuses more on things that displease you with a humorous delivery and less on things that people might actually care about?"
- spamtarded@gmail.com

This was the only feedback I received on a blog burb I sent to a craigslist ad stating, "Humorous writers needed" ( it also mentioned something about wanting "Women's" sorts of issues...hence the reason I sent a blurb about pregnancy).

Humiliation factor #1 : I can't believe I actually sent something to someone in the hopes of them thinking I would qualify as a "humorous" writer. Just because my Mom laughs at anything I say DOES NOT MEAN I AM FUNNY. I know this.

Humiliation factor #2 : I can't believe someone with the email address "spamtarded" could actually qualify as someone who meets the humor criteria deciding how "unfunny" I am. Seriously! Completely dejected, I couldn't even respond with, "Well you smell like poo!" to make myself feel better. We're in cyberspace. Nobody smells like poo in cyberspace.

Humiliation factor #3: I consider myself thick-skinned, tough as nails. Really...in all truthfulness I apparently have an ego inflatability factor of a giant hot air balloon, one that's been popped by spamtarded.

I am preparing a query letter to send to publishers. I want to write for some sort of parenting style outlet. I know I don't have the technical/grammatical know-how to attempt this sort of venture...but I figure someone out there would be willing to pay me $25 to jazz up an article on paper towels or potty training.

Wish me luck. I already feel like quitting.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

The Mission

Bond. Rachel Bond.

A mission has been assigned. If you should choose to accept this mission, you will precede with execution in 0:900 hours. It will be no easy task. You must dupe the undupe-able, out snoop the seemingly outsnoopable...


Your target: Mother of eight children, grandmother of two. Two words: total hottie. Has been registered under the name of, "Ga-Ma, Mom, Mommy, Alexis, Mama, Sexy Lexy, Hun, and Chick". Turning 48 this year, yet difficult to quickly spot because she looks nothing like her age. Disgustingly kind. Unbelievably friendly. Overwhelmingly selfless. A challenge to surprise...as she is a known "snooper". Openly admits to unscrupulously "Lying for the greater good of her children" when caught red-handed, holding an open handwritten note from her teenage child's love interest...claiming:
"Larissa must have pulled it out of your backpack! I just found it open here, on your bedroom floor!" (Poor Larissa...at the time an innocent, two-year old victim of false accusation)


Your Mission: Surprise her with a birthday weekend at one of her favorite destinations: Carmel-by-the-Sea. After extensive research, it has been discovered that she has been pining for this particular get-away for sometime...stating that "Cruising down Big Sur in a convertible while blasting Earth, Wind, and Fire" is on her new 'Bucket List'.






In order to accomplish this mission, we are sending you capable reinforcements to be employed at your discretion:

1. Mr. Hansen's credit card and signature of approval. You will find Mr. Hansen a man of impeccable generosity and kindness...especially when it comes to the above mentioned target...whom he retains a particular woozy crush on.


2. Sarah Anne. Arriving in Carmel will require some style, and for style you must consult the best:


3. London Lu. Having this chubby, happy infant will undoubtedly assure success in whatever mission you embark on.


4. Joan Koplin's playlist on her blog, burned onto CD's to enjoy while driving. A special thanks is due to Mrs. Koplin, as she was an unaware donor to this mission.

The surprise! element is absolutely necessary as target has been known to purposefully back out of many pre-planned, self indulgent opportunities...citing reasons such as:
"Ohhh, I canceled that facial gift certificate because on the morning I was scheduled to get it, I found out Ms. Melarkey's cat passed away. You know that nice old lady we ran into that one time in the grocery store, right, Ms. Malerkey? She's the one with the daughter Ruth who has the little girl with reading disabilities who we dropped off those Christmas gifts to a year back. Well, come to find out the grocery cashier told me that her cat died recently and apparently she was devastated. Seeing how she was so fond of it I thought I would go search and buy her a new one after I dropped off the lunch that Larissa forgot on the kitchen counter at school while I was on my way to get Forrest's violin repaired with Lily and London, who I'm watching since Rachel woke up and and mentioned she wasn't feeling well this morning after I got off the phone with Dad after arranging his latest radio promotion. Turns out the darn cat was a specialty Siamese...so I went back to the office and tried on Ebay to buy one using my American Express points. Only to pay with the points I found out I needed to handle it over the phone, so after three hours of being on the phone with a consultant I realized I was going to be twenty minutes late to my appointment. It's ok, I'll just get that facial later."

Armed with above mentioned enforcement, you will launch your surprise attack early Saturday morning (morning of target's "supposed" forty-eighth birthday- difficult to verify as previously mentioned that she looks nothing like her biological timeclock). You will travel in desired convertible, rented for a weekend to be whisked away to the sea. So she doesn't mistake the rented convertible for being her actual purchased birthday present, make sure Sarah Anne constantly, most involuntarily and without instruction begins screaming "It's a rental! Mom, it's a rental!!! It's a rentaaallll!!!!" as you pull into the driveway honking, blasting away none other than her beloved Earth, Wind & Fire CD.


Once you have arrived, inform her that she has thirty minutes to pack and hit the road with you.
Before you depart, it is imperative that Mr. Hansen become completely picture crazy happy, and take photos of you all at every conceivable angle.








Hotel accommodations have already been made on Ocean Ave., ensuring easy accessibility to shopping, eating, and perusing the cute neighborhoods. Once you arrive in Carmel, indulge in fine food, shopping, and rest. But most important...put the convertible top down, and head down Big Sur with music blasting and lots of girly dancing....so she can cross that one item off of her " bucket list" (a list which still has endless amounts of to-do's...so don't worry about her kicking the bucket anytime soon).




MISSION: ACCOMPLISHED.