Sunday, July 13, 2008

Randoms

I'm sure someone has looked at you before, in a moment when you are in a semi-comatose gaze, and asked, "What are you thinking about?"

Half the time, you probably answer, "Nothing."
But we all know, or at least HOPE, that that cannot possibly be true.
The truth is that you probably don't care to share. I know I don't. My thoughts can be so random and meaningless or embarrassingly revealing about my ridiculous inner cerebral sanctuary that a simple, "Oh nothing." saves us all the trouble of a stupid conversation.
But, since my thoughts have been nothing but random and meaningless and probably embarrassing this past week I have no choice but to jot in them in this little cyberjournal of mine.

My randoms....

I seriously think Joy Bayheart on ABC's The View is such a deviously unfunny comedian with the lamest hidden liberal agenda. And Whoopee is such a classic bra-less hippie. I really like her but wouldn't be surprised if she reeked of B.O. And Barbara Walters number one fan in the universe is Barbara Walters. Could she plug herself anymore in a 2 minute time span...seriously!? Elizabeth is cute, but for gosh darn sakes Elizabeth, I wish you could articulate your perfectly rational argument without sounding like such a dippy girl sometimes. There is nothing wrong or shameful or dippy about being the only member of the cast with a solid marriage record and two beautiful children. You are not the stupid one, my friend, and yet the cast makes it seem like you are.


Vacuuming is becoming a borderline obsessive compulsive disorder with me. I can't get over the addiction to those clean-looking, straight lines in my carpet.

I owe $4.99 to Taste of Home (cooking magazine I have a subscription to...since I was like 13...sad, I know) and am refusing to pay. Credit score be damned. When they say they are offering a FREE COOKBOOK!, so I check the little box on the subscription card, and then receive an invoice for $4.99 I am angry at the deception of their most loyal subscriber. Even if it's only a measly $4.99. I don't care if I didn't read the fine print. What happened to straight forward honesty? Especially from a magazine that still showcases kitchens decorated in wooden, tole-painted cows?! Jesus better be coming soon.

I still have monthly fantasies about what it would be like to be a medieval princess. This is a step up from the daily ones I lived in as a child...but I still can't shake the desire to wear long velvet dresses and ride a horse in the rain. Even if my long, raven hair would be greasy.

I think I have a firm grasp on my self esteem and worth as a mother, my body is a mecca of life. Yeah, right...I tried telling myself that as I walked towards the water with Lily on Saturday at the beach, in my swimsuit, knowing full well that Tyler was probably staring at my lumpy behind while sitting in his beach chair. Gross. Even more gross, I think he still likes it. Eewww.

I hate that I wake up in the night around 3am feeling strangely eery and scared. Is there some deficiency in my oxytocin or seratonin levels at that hour that I should be aware of? Because that would really help me as I consistently map out an escape route for my children and attack plan for the perpetrator that is thankfully never actually at my window.

If there ever were a perpetrator at my window, I think he/she would be pretty darn surprised at the hell I could unleash. Don't let the blonde bob fool you. I am a lean, mean, freaky killing machine if anyone tried to touch my babies. There would be nothing sexy or Angelina-Jolie-with-a-handgun about it....we're talking a raving blonde beastly lunatic shrieking like a banchee as she blows your head off with a 22.
(*Insertion after Tyler read this entire post:
"Hey Rae, I don't think a 22 would actually blow someone's head off."
Me: "It wouldn't? Like not even up close?"
Tyler: "No. Probably not.
Me:"Fine, I'll add that I'll poke their eyeballs out after I give them a clean head wound! The cyberstalker who reads this gets the picture!" This is why I don't share my random thoughts. Someone always kills their mojo.)


The other day I was looking at my baby cousin's toes. They looked like odd little nubs. By that I mean they looked really really short. Then I realized it wasn't the toes, it was me. I have gotten used to my daughters freakishly LONG toes (inherited from none other than their extremely handsome Daddy). I actually prefer them now.

Generic ice cream can be just as good as Dreyers. I'm a total Sunnyside $2.98 a gallon fan. However, generics can't compare to Keebler's fudge striped cookies. I felt like I was munching flour coated in cocoa wax while sitting on the beach sulking about my lumpy behind trying to avoid having to walk back up to the water to get Lily.

I love my kids. I really really really really really love my kids. And my husband. I really really really really really really love him too.

I am really creeped out by our economy. When I turn into a conspiracy theorist nutcase and begin hyperventilating, I keep trying to remind myself that an economy has cycles like this all the time. Then I worry about Iran having nuclear weapons. Then I turn on the The Hills and realize I'm not entirely opposed to Iran using them.


That's it. My random thoughts. Sorry to disappoint if you stopped in expecting something cohesive and thoughtful.

Care to share any of yours with me? I would LOVE to hear some, random thoughts from people are some of my favorite. We don't have to have a conversation about it...that's the beauty of them!

7 comments:

Joan Koplin said...

Could not love this post more. It is SO "Rachel."
As for my random thought...This guy came up to me at the pool today (his son was ignoring Jimmie's desperate attempts to make friends) and started chatting with me as if we were old friends from middle school or something. So, your probably thinking...nice, Joan you are flirting with some hot dad at the pool. This man was the furthest thing from hot. He was at least 300 pounds overweight. NO exaggeration. He was so unbelievably hairy I had a difficult time not staring. As in back hair you could comb, hairy.
The unusual, noteworthy point to all this is that this over-weight, unbelievably hairy man was incredibly comfortable and confident. He discussed a variety of different topics with me and was just darling with his son.
NOT that I am saying fat people (let's just call it like it is) should be insecure and loser-ish...but this guy just totally caught me off guard. I was thinking, "Gosh, what a nice guy and quite pleasant to talk to." In the end, I was just SO impressed with how totally secure he was with himself. If he wasn't...he played it off well.
So, there you go...my random thought/story as requested :)

MOM said...

I was deep in thought a few years ago as your Dad and I were driving somewhere when he suddenly asked "Hey, what are you thinking about?"...I answered, "Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be a pipe? Just think about it. Under all the streets there is a maze of pipes traveling miles and miles under homes, yards and streets connecting and intersecting in a huge puzzle under the ground and what would it be like to be traveling through the pipe from your house to who knows where and be dumped into the river?" Yep...you guessed it, he asnwered "No, I've never thought about what it would be like to be a pipe".
Needless to say, I was disappointed in his response - and now I am a bit more hesitant to honestly answer that question when someone finds me in "deep" thought. But don't feel sorry for me - I find my random thoughts take me places most people never venture:)
MOM

Joan said...

Your Mom is amazing...I love her random thought.
Okay, so it took me like five minutes to find your ONE grammatical mistake, you psycho! haha! I LOVE it, SO Rachel. You were mortified that you misspelled "there" and you were SO irritated that you couldn't go back and change it! I adore you...I think we were cut from the same tree (is that the right phrase?!)...ps: how egocentric am I? I like you b/c you are like me?! Yes...and I like you b/c you understand me and I you :)

Anonymous said...

Hey Rachel it's Aubrey (Loveland) Your family is so beautiful. I miss you so much and I'm so glad you're doing great. Your girls are so cute. I would love to chat with you sometime I tried to call you but all I have is your super old cell phone #. My # is 623-243-5097 or my cell is 940-882-5678. Please give me a call sometime or email me at littlemrsmoffat@hotmail.com
I have a blog as well but it's new so it's kind of empty but if you want to check it out it's joshaubreymoffatfamily.blogspot.com I hope you read this.
Love and miss you!
Aubrey

Anonymous said...

Okay, so your mom just made me forget the one (out of my many) random thought I was going to tell you about and she also made me laugh out loud. But she did make me have another random thought. A pipe? How claustrophobic could you get? And could you get any slimier? Not sure if slimier is even a word, but I'm sure you get the idea. Anyway, I have random thoughts all day. Do you think men have many random thoughts? Oh no that was another random thought. I had better end this here. Rachel your blogs ALWAYS leave me wanting more...you are a great writer!!! Thanks!!!

Vanessa

Cindy said...

Hey Rachel,

I know that I have random thoughts all the time but mine tend to be “fleeting random thoughts”. However I do have one to share.... Quite often when I see the moon in its glorious bright fullness (like last night) I think of a distant friend or my recently returned missionary and am completely enthralled in the thought that whether we are here in Sparks, Nevada; New York; or even the Dominican Republic we are all able to share in the beauty and light of that same moon shining down on us in the still of the night. I am sure many of us have had this same thought……however, has one of our dear loved ones ever had that thought at the same time we are gazing up at the moon thinking of them???

It was great finally “meeting” you and your sweet family face to face the other night. Thanks for coming and sharing this happy occasion with us!

Lilly and London completely captured the hearts of both Alexandra and Marissa! Marissa has shared several funny stories from Saturday night of Lilly taking the lead and “directing” the 3 “Tweens” (Marissa and her two friends) in what she wanted them to do with her from moment to moment thus only making them want to follow her more and see what adventure she would introduce them to next. I have no doubt that Lilly is destined to be the General Young Women’s President in about 30 years!

Keep doing the AMAZING job you are doing with your sweet girls! Thanks for sharing and for the positive role model you are!

Cindy (aka: anonymous!)

Amy said...

My favorite part: "There would be nothing sexy or Angelina-Jolie-with-a-handgun about it....we're talking a raving blonde beastly lunatic shrieking like a banchee as she blows your head off with a 22."

And can I just say that Barbara Walters is the worst interviewer ever??? I think Lily could do a better job. (Well Duh!)

I'm really tired right now so there are no thoughts up there, not even random ones...