Saturday, April 18, 2009

The skinny

I had to turn in my Get Out of Fat-Jail Free card. London is officially weaned and has been for a little over two months. When I breastfeed, I am emotionally even-keeled, my skin clears up, and I can eat for days without the scale budging. It's about the only good thing that happens to my body from the point of conception. After months of pregnant vomiting, water retention, acne, swollen feet, stretch marks, and strange brown blotches above my upper lip, I figure the post-partum breastfeeding phase when I can eat what I want and strangely NOT gain weight is God's last attempt at trying to prove that He's not the blood-sucking mastermind of misery that I had been referring to him as when looking at photos of myself in the delivery room.

But it's over. Oh dear, it's over. I am always strangely ambivalent about the weaning phase. Glad to get my body and sleep back, but also sad about cashing in my skinny ticket and formerly plump and voluptuous upper deck. Now, instead of lying awake at night feeding a baby, I am tossing and turning, dreaming of reconstructive
surgery while searching for my breasts that are now folded somewhere in my armpits, dreading the morning weigh in.

I'm no good at this cautious dieting. It follows the usual cyclical format:

1. Begin morning with aspirations of fitness and health after upsetting weigh in.
2. Attempt some form of workout.Feel sexy and powerful.
3. Eat something boring and lame for breakfast (like yogurt).
4. Attend to the rest of the day until lunch, when I'm famished, and jealous of my children's chicken nugget eating festivities. They don't even realize how lucky they are.
5. Eat my boring and lame turkey sandwich without chips, staring at London in her high chair, hoping she will accidentally drop a nugget or french fry on the floor so I can "clean it up".
6. Continue rest of day unsatisfied as beginnings of obsession about dinner time set in.
7. Starvation infiltrates stomach.
8. Anger over starvation.
9. Begin cooking dinner.
10. Eat everything in site in the pantry WHILE cooking dinner.
11. Overeat dinner.
12. Admit failure and surrender and finish night polishing off THREE Dark chocolate Sprinkles cupcakes and glass of whole milk.

Next day:

1. Repeat from step one.

This is a relatively accurate snapshot of most days. SO..I've decided to break the cycle. I think you'll be proud of me. After writing down my general patterns, I see my weak points. I'm ready for change. Real change.

I'm excited to announce I have reconstructed my life:

This morning I began with the cupcakes.


Daron and Jamee said...

Now you can have your boring yogurt for dinner.

Oh Oh OH I know! You could just get pregnant.

I think you look great. In fact, I'm jealous.


Amy said...

I feel your pain, Rae. Why must I live in a country famous for their sweets, breads, etc?? WHY??

Anyways, there's nothing wrong with cupcakes for breakfast... Chad is making me pancakes right now... loaded with chocolate chips.

Love you all,

Joan said...

You. Make. Me. Laugh. A. Lot.
Your raw honesty is so refreshing, Rae.
Thanks for the hearty laugh. I need a good one every Monday morning.

Casady said...

Hahaha! I love it! How could you not start your day with those cupcakes?! They were so good! (Thank you for that Friday night treat!) Besides you look great and if you eat your treat in the morning, you have more time to burn it off! Yep new tradition starting everyday with dessert... what the heck we only live once.

jenniferoharra said...

You are so freakin funny! I love it! And even though I don't have any kids yet, this cycle is very similar to my daily routine as well! Don't worry-you're gorgeous!

Alexandra said...

I personally like your new routine for two reasons:

1. I think chocolate releases endorphins just as exercise does which makes everybody happy!

2. I would much rather die while indulging in rich chocolate than plain old strawberry yogurt!

P.S You look great so eat those chocolate cupcakes!!!