Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Blogging at 3am because your husband is still at the Harry Potter premier.

I thought I was doing relatively well. I tucked myself into bed at around 11pm with the phone next to the bed and a new bottle of pepper spray in a cute pink pleather holder on the nightstand.
I can do this. I am not the world's biggest sissy. I can just sleep without him here. Say a prayer. Think about Disneyland. Watch a few pleasant Crest and Clorox commercials with happy jingles before turning off the television. Time to sleep without him.

And I did, until about 1:30am, when I woke up and got that awfully nervous, irrational feeling that leads to horror novels in my head of an intruder in the house. Trying to hurt me, or the girls. I hook the pepper spray keychain around my finger to cut down on reaction time. I dial Tyler's cell. Maybe he's out, and on his way home. How did I end up with a man who loves Harry Potter!?

No answer, straight to voicemail.

Darn. Okay okay okay. Just go back to sleep and before you know it he'll be here. Wait, what was that sound? Maybe I should also have a knife. I've got to get that gun with that cool safe I saw today.
(because when I'm not terrified of an intruder I am at least worrying endlessly about my children finding our gun or my pepper spray and doing more damage than my imaginary criminal) Bastard killers. Why must they exist? I would love to shoot one, really. To watch them wither and die in misery after attempting to hurt us....oh the satisfaction. Would I be charged with murder? You never know with these freakish lawsuits nowadays. Maybe I shouldn't kill them...just shoot their legs off. That could be fun too. To make them suffer for my sleepless nights of fearful anticipation. What would I wear to court? Something conservative and classy. Like a nice black skirt with pearl earrings. They never convict mothers with blond bobs defending their babies, right?

It's 3:04am, movie must be out. I fandango'd the time. He'll be home any minute. Slowly, the uneasy lump in my stomach subsides as he walks through the door. I can finally sleep in peaceful disappointment once more, still not having mastered my fears.


jenniferoharra said...

Oh I'm exactly the same way. If Shaun is out without me I stay up on the couch trying to keep my eyes open. And I always think of my girlfriends who just simply sleep alone and don't care and wish I could do it but I can't.
I love how your mind wonders to what you will wear...mine does too!

Casady said...

I knew I shouldn't have told you that story!

Daron and Jamee said...

Yep. Hence why with a husband on graveyard shift, I always have bloodshot eyes.

And for some reason, him showing me where the loaded gun (on a high shelf right next to the ceiling in our bedroom)is, makes it worse. I think that if I know where it is, I'll need to use it.

Which I will. No hesitation.

Amy said...

um...definitely feel ya on this one. I was staying at Laina's house alone one night and they have so many doors that lead to I don't know what and the back door was open (probably blown by the wind) but I freaked out, grabbed my keys and left (no bra, wet hair) and sat in my car in a parking lot until someone came home. and i have many similar stories...

The Closet Dork said...

I think I have that same pepper spray in the pink case!

Joan said...

I get crazy thoughts in my head like those when I go running alone at night. I think of how I'll whip out my "Tomb Raider Angelina Jolie" moves on his 'A' and make him sorry he thought I was some helpless female alone at night!