Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Congratulations.

I left my Dad's office and headed into a dark parking lot that screams "Please, abduct us." with my two children en tow (or is it in tow?) at 9:30pm this evening. I had to finish working on a few print-outs for piano tomorrow and needed the copying capacity there. It was dark and freaky. I called my parents and had them wait on the line until I had safely loaded the girls into the car and locked the doors. Tyler was still in class (until 10:30pm).

The girls were a positive disaster. Fed Taco Bell for dinner (at 7:30pm, a good hour and a half past a normal dinner hour), wallowing in the accumulated dirt on the office floors, eyes red from lack of sleep, London's nose crusted with boogers (boogers I'm not permitted to clean as often as needed, as she screams in agony at any attempts to touch her nose).

Instead of heading home, we still had one more vital stop that had to be made for items that were needed by tomorrow morning. We ran into Walmart at 10pm, loaded up on 10 boxes worth of sugar cookies, liters of soda, and ice for tomorrow's recital. London began screaming in drooling anticipation at the sight of the sprinkled sugar cookies. I would have opened the box and gladly bribed her into silence, but I held on to my one last scrap of pride. It is 10pm, my baby is screaming and crusted in mucus, my three year-old is covered in black soot marks and wearing the baby's shorts, and our cart is filled with cheap, highly enriched, processed white flour and sugar. I can't allow myself to dig any deeper and allow consumption of the cookies in front of everyone, can I? The lines were long (at 10pm?!), and my desperation got the better of me until I finally opened a box of The Little Mermaid fruit snacks. London and Lily ate four packs each by the time we left the checkout.

It was at that moment, rushing out of the store as people stared and I tried to hold back tears when I thought:

It's official. I've arrived.

I'm the white trash Walmart mother.

And it wasn't funny. Not tonight. I'm overwhelmed. Tired. Emotional. Sick of the constant push of having to move forward. The miserable host of things to juggle daily and the never-ending desire to do everything well.
I briefly looked at another blog of some darling mothers, hosting a wonderful forum on ideas to make life richer....and for a moment, just a moment...I wanted to say piss off. Take your little slim JCrew figure-esque, positivitely crafty, organic cooking, money-pinching, brownie-baking, educated, perfectionist tendencies and go fly a kite.

I'm going to bed.

But I'll check back tomorrow.


Until then, goodnight.

7 comments:

Ian said...

wow.......uhhhhhh good blog

Daron and Jamee said...

My friend Mindy told me that she knew a few women who said that they would only publish the good things in their lives and they didn't document the bad things...but Holy Crow how fake is that??

I love the real life experiences, and why not share so that others can bring comfort to you by telling you their real life stuff and maybe, just maybe laugh about it (later).

Love you Rae. I hope you know that.
Missed you while you were in Tahoe.

And did you know that I have not worn undies for a week now, and I went on a walk in a skirt and it kept flying up and one of the priests in our ward saw everything. I mean everything. (I think) and Daron was so embarrassed for me, cause he was there. And I am post surgery and its not that pretty.

Oh my.

Jamee
xoxo

jenniferoharra said...

Oh Rachel - you are so far from a white trash Walmart mom! Thanks for posting your bad days too-we all have them. Days where we feel like everyone else has their lives perfectly together but its not true. You are an inspiration with all that you do! Hope you have a better day today!

Shinae said...

at least Walmart is one step up from Winco.
love your glass half full friend,
Shinae

Daron and Jamee said...

P.S. Daron just said my comment was inappropriate and that he wanted you to be reassured that nobody but him saw anything. Whew!

Jamee

Amy said...

I love your rants Rae! Those are the best blogs. I'm glad all the blogs I read are real. Every once in awhile I'll come upon one like that -- fake -- and they're boring and you don't learn anything from them. Except how to feel shitty that your not Martha Stewart.
Oh and I totally get what you mean about the blog rant. I just moved and my life is a mess but blogging is one of the things I look forward to so I forgive myself for sitting amongst the mess and writing.
;)

Joan said...

Hearty, hearty, belly laughs from Joan!!! I think I shook the walls with my laughter! LOOOVE this post. We all have those moments, Rae. Every. Last. One. Of. Us.
And the moms that claim they don't are just a bunch of phonies.
Ps: please don't feel a single ounce of guilt! I didn't give you any specific deadlines or directions when I sent you my book...I was just flattered that you wanted to read it. BTW: I've practically re-written the entire thing. So, don't waste your time with it. I will send you a crisp copy fresh off the press when it's published ;)