Tuesday, September 22, 2009

My Munchkins.

“...in the eternal perspective, children—not possessions, not position, not prestige—are our greatest jewels.”

Lily and London,

I have felt this coming on. I felt it last night. It was a build-up, a growth of emotion that was on the verge of oozing out all over the kitchen floor. Good emotion though. Full. Your Dad had already gone to bed and I proceeded into the kitchen to polish off the last of the pumpkin bars. I steadily scraped the cream cheese frosting off of each bar (I'm not big on frosting) and stuffed each moist, deliciously dense cake like concoction into my greedy mouth (Mmmmm. I love food). It was quiet, and as I sat all by my lonesome I stared at your toys lying on the living room floor. Every day I pick them up. Huffing and gruffing to myself that all I ever do is pick them up. I tell you playroom toys should stay in the playroom. And yet there I am - again - picking up little pots and pans and blankees and baby dolls, and everything you have been setting up house in the living room with.
I love those toys. I really do, despite the huffs and gruffs. These representations of your presence in our home. The reminders of what makes it a home to begin with. My home is full. It feels so good.

I yell too often. Give the impression that you two make me angry. I hope the balance is found in my hugs and kisses throughout the day. And I'm sorry for the yelling, but I swear you both have a "disperse and destroy" mechanism built in any time I'm attempting to make progress in any other area besides coloring with you. I yelled today when I found that London had colored all over my new wooden, white mail holder that was to be mounted in the office. I loved that holder, and I got it for 50% off! London, your cute face just looked up at me with your classic "uh oh" look and your dramatic sobs came, and soon I found myself apologizing for being mad that you had ruined MY stuff.

A few weeks ago I came home late after an evening of running errands. I don't remember the details of the day, but it was a stressful one. I had been gone most of the day and you had a babysitter. The heat of the day matched the stressload, one that had nothing to do with the two of you (other than the probable guilt I felt for leaving you for so long). Daddy had just tucked you both in bed when I walked in the door. I peeked my head in, and your favorite lullaby cd was playing in your dark, cool bedroom. Lily was already asleep, but London peeked her head out of her crib and held her hands out and sweetly, excitedly, called "Maamaaaaaaaa." I immediately walked to you and picked you up and held you. It felt so good I cried. I stood there, holding your round pudgy body and kissing your fat little face while you hugged me back in the darkness. I rocked you back and forth to the sound of the music, enjoying this perfect moment that brought everything back into perspective. I hope I never forget that.

You two are also the most hilarious people on earth. And girly too. Oh my, you are funny. For example, while typing this, London came in and handed me a sheet of my piano stickers (the stickers my students put in their song books as they pass their songs off - you know, those small, awful little "A+!" and "Good Work" and "Stellar" circular adhesives). After she handed them to me, she lifted up her shirt and pointed to her protruding belly. She wanted me to stick them on her belly. So I stuck four around her belly button, she smiled up at me and I said "Oh! So pretty!!" after which she happily toddled out to play.
Yesterday, I was blowdrying my hair in the morning - getting ready for the day- when Lily entered and climbed onto our bathroom counter and began dancing to the music I had playing on the stereo. We all began dancing together. London jumped up and down on the floor, I threw my head back and forth while lip synching, and Lily was shaking her little hips and twirling her hair and admiring herself in the mirror. Lils, your hair was matted bedhead and you had mismatched clothes on, but the look in your eyes as you stared admiringly at yourself was one of pure satisfaction. That's my girl.

Do you see what I'm saying?
You are so funny.
So fun.
So happy.
My kind of happy.
And I love you.

And I'm sorry I can never properly articulate it. I hate writing about my feelings for you both because I come up so short on words. So blah compared to what is really there. I am thoroughly enjoying being your mother. I will never experience anything greater, of that I'm sure.




Daron and Jamee said...

You got it Rae.
Every word.
They will love reading this someday.


Joan said...

The part about you rocking Lundy after a long day was when the tears came. I share so much of how you feel, Rachel.

Amy said...

I definitely got teary eyed at that part too. This feels like it was to Lily and London though so I won't comment further.

Amy said...

Hey Rae did you take that Nie link off of your blog? I always get to it from yours...