Thursday, September 10, 2009

To want.

I normally guilt myself into misery any time I catch myself yearning for something that is temporarily, or permanently out of my grasp.
The small seeds of fearful thoughts or impending desires too often form the original roots of my nightly prayers, springing forth and serving their usual purpose in the culmination of an extensive order placed to God.
Until I remember gratitude. First, I must express what I'm grateful for. Then I can get to the good stuff: the I want I want I wants, please please please give me give me give me more more more this this this and that.
I begin my grateful list, and it grows. And grows. It really does. Wow, even on the usual routine night of exhausted, can-barely-keep-my-head-from-hitting-the-pillow prayer, I impress myself with the list of everything I have to be grateful for - a list that grows exponentially as the mention of one thing leads to another (I'm so grateful for my house...yes, my house...and come to think of it being inside of that house during the rain...and the smell of rain...and my children's wet heads after going in the rain...oh their cute heads, i love their heads...London's fat head, Lily's curls...I'm so grateful for a girl with curly hair and one with stick straight hair...and aussie hairspray...I love the smell of good hairspray...YOU GET THE IDEA). Even on a bad day. Suddenly my want list doesn't seem so important.

But enough of that balance and perspective. I'm not praying right now. And I think it is good to know what I'm wanting, what I'm hoping and aching for right now.
The simple and the sacred.

I want a camera. A good camera. The kind everyone else seems to have, with the photos to prove it on their blogs.
I want a creative eye, so I can actually snap a good photo.
I want my children to remember me as a good mom. A great mom. One they couldn't have lived without.
I want to shop at Whole Foods.
I want to be finished studying for my Chemistry exam.
Or I should say I want to stop using this blog as a procrastination/distraction tool to keep me from studying the conversion of milligrams to decigrams to nanoseconds to who the he*! cares. I cannot be locked in this office for much longer before Tyler discovers that I am NOT studying, and he is folding laundry and watching the girls so I can blog surf and become envious of other folks' photography.
I want my husband and I to always like each other, not just love - but really like.
I want a kitchen with white cupboards and yellow walls and wooden floors.
And I want to change out my window treatments to complement the seasons.
I want my children to have the best education.
I want my Aunt Mary and Uncle Keith to not hurt so badly.
I want to always have good friends. Real friends.
I want cures for cancer.
I want to have a chicken coop. And two acres of well manicured land.
I want to enjoy food.
I want to be an English Professor.
And an Interior Designer.
And an aerobics instructor.
And a medieval princess in distress who gets rescued by a man (shirtless) on horseback.
I want to know, really really know God exists. And that everything I believe about Him is true.
No doubts. I want no doubts.
So I guess, I want no faith either.
I want to live part of the year in London, England.
I want to never stress about finances. But never be rich enough to forget how good it feels to have them under control.
I want to be grateful.
I want my children to have lots of cousins to play with.
I want them to play pioneers someday and have as much fun as I did.
I want to read more good books.
I want to savor the goodness of Autumn.
And Halloween. I love Halloween.
I want to know the biological/physiological/environmental/etc. origins of homosexuality.
I want to have time.
But not feel bored if I receive too much of it.
I want to be nice.
Not crazy.
I'm a little crazy.
I want the world to stop the idiocy.
Seriously, do you feel like we have the most insane epidemic of idiocy?
It makes me angry.
But I don't want to be angry.
I want to be nice.
Not crazy.
Did I mention that I'm a little crazy?
I want my want list to dwindle.
But I also want to have a want list.
Because if you don't want something, then what else could you want for?
And not wanting something is boring. You've exhausted all options?
You should never exhaust all options.
Then that would be really ungrateful.
And that's not what I want.
I want the things I won't list on a public blog. The things that even I'm not courageous enough to admit I want. The little things, the private things, the most revealing things: the things I'll save mention of until later - for that special order I'll place shortly before my head can finally hit the pillow.



Amy said...

Wow. I love this Rae. I feel like it was really (for lack of a better word) powerful. I felt like it was really rhythmic and it kept growing and growing in intensity and leading to the ending which was, again, powerful.
It made me want to write my own want list.

Daron and Jamee said...

I want you to keep writing.

I want Brigham to be potty trained.

I want Brigham to stay in his bed for crying out loud!

I want to stop vacuum sealing homegrown ground meat at this very moment.

But Daron wont let me.


P.S REALLY THANK YOU for was so nice to have your help!

Stanley said...

I want to know how long this blog took you.

And I want to know how you did on your chemistry test.

You see, if you want your wants badly, you need to forego your wants for your non-wants to make your wants reality.

For example: You need to not-want to stop studying for your chemistry test because you want to get a good score and want to use that good score to list on a resume for a job you want so you can get the wanted position as an English teacher which will require you to read those wanted good books on the wanted rainy day in your house during Autumn. Then, you can force your wants on the tabla rasa minds of your youthful students and make them read the books you want while they want to be playing outside instead of reading your books inside on the rainy day in Autumn.

You see, its all a convoluted mess.