Thursday, October 29, 2009

Missed the Memo: A Horror Story

We arrived at story-time five minutes early (a miracle for me). I've purposefully been trying out my new theory on "rushing". Every time I am in a rush to get somewhere, I can just feel the tension and negative energy transferring to my girls. They begin acting outrageously, finding every possible way to thwart any progress being made on getting out the door on time, thus leading to more intensive rushing and absurd behavior (I think I've even been known to respond to my daughter's request for baby Cinderella - the 80th request of the exit routine- with, "She's dead. Now get in your carseat.")
Before I know it I have a headache, we've made it nowhere on-time, and I've acted like a monster of a mother with two mini-monsters for children. It all starts with me. It must stop. So, I make a conscious effort to walk meekly around our home, casually picking up toys and giving my children gentle nudges towards the door.

"Come along, darlings," I sweetly coax.
The whole morning ended up being very pleasant. We breezed out the door, and I was once affirmed in another theory I've been developing: the "I am a good mother" theory.

Until we arrived at storytime. We found ourselves instantly swarmed with little costumed Tinkerbells, Fairies, Sharks, Spiderman(s), Ponies, Chickens, and one Strawberry Shortcake. My children stood there, holding hands - in their old navy sweatpants - surveying the giggling children decked out for a
Very Special Halloween storytime.

I was confused. It took me a moment to process the bombarding stimuli in every direction, and the sobering reality that am a horrible mother.

"Girls, I'm so sorry...I didn't know we were supposed to dress up."

Lily looked up at me with sad, distraught eyes.

"Oh, come on, don't want to be like that lame little ladybug over there. Just look at her costume. It's ridiculous and ill-fitting. If I didn't know any better I would have guessed she was a beetle. Really. And look at that chicken. Who wants to be a chicken for Halloween anyways? Her Mom must not even like her..."

I was at a loss to explain Strawberry Shortcake. Nobody could deny the splendor that was the 9 pounds of pink toule Strawberry Shortcake. I hung my head and moved towards the back of the room. I scanned the crowd, hoping to find other pathetic mothers like myself. No such luck. My gaze briefly halted, catching a woman eyeing London up and down, with a squint, as if trying to figure out her ensemble with her insinuating stare and crooked smile, "Oh...Hi, poor little girl, what might you be? Where is your mother? Do you have a mother? Is she a part of a fundamentalist religious sect?"
She's the younger sister of the older sister who are both not dressed up but instead wearing the exact same outfit due to their mother's matching fetish. Booooo. Creeeepy, isn't it? So stop staring at my kid before you get a candy corn shoved .... ..... .....

I did find a Grandpa with his grandson in regular playclothes. But Grandpa's are always clueless about these things. It's their job.

We still ended up having a good time, trick-or-treating around the library and singing Halloween songs.
This in spite of the fact that, as spooky as it may seem, I am the sole winner of the
Big, Bad, Halloween-Reject-Mother of the year award.


Amy said...

Oh Rae... you're too funny. Maybe people thought you lacked creativity and dressed your girls as twins... you know... those costume ideas that aren't really costumes but are costumes because you say it is.. like a blood donor, or teacher...

plus there's always next year.

Happy Halloween.


Joan said...

I did the exact thing last year at our story time. It happens to the best of us.
Can I tell you how loud my laugh was when I read, "She's dead, now get in your carseat!" I think I frightened the children. Just writing it makes me laugh out loud. It is SO something I would say, Rachel.
I am a FREAK about getting out the door on time. I too turn into a monster. I think that's why mother's with more than three kids are always late...b/c they know if they have a deadline that they will freak on their kids and it is just not worth punctuality. So, they give up on it entirely. I hate the thought...but it may very well be in my future.
Oh, and thank you for the Nikki compliment :) I will be your BEST friend when you tell me our bodies look the same (not just our faces--haha).
Have I ever told you the story about how we wanted to be a singing, sister duo...but I told her I refused to ever consider it b/c I would always be known as the "The Fat Judd Sister!" Can you just see us on stage next to each other? I would tower over her--not to mention the forty additional pounds of curvy woman body I have. haha. The thought makes me shudder in horror.
Okay. Wow. I'm done.