Friday, April 30, 2010

Indulge me.

I've been avoiding my blog for some time now. When I post, it can only do with small snip-its and tid-bits of information about my children, husband, or pregnancy. Bad comments must be evenly tallied with good comments. Trying so desperately to simply focus on the positive and only be grateful for this pregnancy. Or at least, when I'm in the depths of self-pity, keep it to myself. Because I'm that stupid, stupid woman. Always choking down the foot in my mouth, making all the offensive statements to all the wrong people (unknowingly, but still so stupid). The person complaining about pregnancy to the childless couple in desperate want of a baby. The person complaining about thigh cellulite to the woman with prosthetic legs. The person making shallow and (what she thought) humorous critiques on the vegan movement guessed it, a vegan.

The one who never quite grasps how lucky she really is.

Tomorrow marks the first day of May. Hallelujah. May is what I've been waiting for. In my mind, since about March 13th, it has been a countdown to May. Because at some point in this blessed month, the fog should lift. I will feel better. I will want to live. I will be reaffirmed in this choice to be a mother. In the interim, it has been nothing short of a miserable nightmare.

It's shameful to complain about your pregnancy, really. The miracle of creating a child. And the logical part of me knows this. It really does. Truly. I am sooo blessed. But then, the less sane area of my brain begs to differ. This side chimes in with the more unpleasant opinions such as: pregnancy was developed as the most hideous torture mechanism to produce offspring whose sole mission in life will be to slowly and painfully destroy your nipples, designed by a creator who hates women. Eve must have really ticked Him off for sure. Either that, or the whole forbidden fruit story and its litany of supposed female implications was developed by Adam when he got all freaked out the day she got her period.

Speaking of Adam, don't get me started on my poor husband. A guy who leaves on a business trip and mistakenly shares the details, "Hey babe, we just checked into the Hilton....we're going to go play tennis...I think we're going to go to TexWasabi for dinner...headed to the hot tub before it closes..."

"Oh, that's nice, have fun. (You pathetic piece of traitorous male with your evil member... you said you loved me...)"

And thus the battle rages on. I love being a mother! I can't believe I'm doing this again. I can't wait to devour my darling baby! The baby that will wake up every two hours. Pretty soon I'll be out of the first trimester! And start getting enormous. A cute pregnant belly! With hair. My beautiful children! Yeah, the naked ones squirting their chocolate milk at each other in the living room while you're typing this. My wonderful husband! The one who isn't going to be attracted to you for much longer.

Oh dear. But that is the reality of it. So much of it is a struggle, laced with miraculous moments of perfection. Obviously, the good has so far outweighed the bad by a long shot. Otherwise I wouldn't be crazy enough to continue on with this madness.

In fact, I'm convinced God sent London to me, at this age, at this very moment, to make me laugh and remind me He really doesn't hate women (still not entirely convinced, but open to more dialogue on the subject). Yes, I want more of these. Oh this child, this wonderful child, is the most enthusiastic, chubby bubble of funny and charm. Running around, giggling constantly, always assessing the situation at hand, something as simple as jumping on the bed, and exclaiming to me:

"Mommy! Dish is sho fun Mommy! Mommy, dish is shooo fun! Woch me Mommy!"
(Mommy!, This is so fun Mommy! Mommy, this is sooo fun! Watch me Mommy!)

It's impossible to convey it in words. The purity of her contagious happiness and cuteness. And Lily, oh my delightful, valley-girl Lily. While I was lying useless in our bedroom recliner a few days ago, I was able to listen in to her imaginary conversation to someone in her bedroom. She is standing with her hip popped in the doorway:

"Oh yeah, like, I was jus two years old and it was like, really hard. Yeah, oh my gosh (she's not supposed to say that), Justin Beiber is my boyfriend ( or that. As she giggles, puts her face in her hands embarrassed to be telling this to her imaginary friend?)...yeah, we kiss."

Or the ultimate best, the dearest moment of this entire pregnancy thus far: Lily and I were lying in bed together. Tyler was away on business and London kept sneaking out of her bed (she's not allowed to sleep with us because she refuses to SLEEP). I was frustrated, exhausted from a couple of days of parenting solo, ridiculously close to vomiting, and more than aggravated at having to continually climb out of bed to put London back in her crib. I plopped back down in bed, trying to hold back the tears that have become such a regular part of my days. Lily began rubbing my back sweetly, and cuddled up to me from behind. She whispered so softly,

"Mom, I love you. Yur da super best."

Melt my heart, just typing that still makes me cry.
This is definitely worth it.

So sorry, I just had to do it. I had to have a moment to complain. Thanks for indulging me.

Peace out.


Mrs. Officer Andelin said...

You can be completely honest and negative with me anytime you want. I've done my share.

Plus- you are hilarious when you are honest. Love it.

Joan said...

Your blog wouldn't be YOU if it were flowery and sugar coated. In fact, I wouldn't be as inclined to read it...b/c that is what makes it so wonderfully entertaining: it's R-E-A-L! It's RACHEL.
I couldn't echo your thoughts/feelings more. I hope you can find some peace knowing we are in the same boat, dear :)

amy MINOR said...

It's MAY!!!!!!!! I hope you are doing better my friend!!!
P.s. Did you seriously? the prosthetic leg thing?...nevermind.

Cindy Martinez said...

Thanks Rae!! I LOVE your honesty!!! You will always and forever be an awsome example to my daughters!!! You give me much needed laughter!!!

Hope you have the most FABULOUS Mother's Day!!!
Milk it for all you can....
Afterall......there is a reason Mother's Day is first.... if Mother's Day doesn't happen then Father's Day ain't happin' either! :-)