Saturday, July 24, 2010

Unsolicited.

Words of advice.


On mothering...

Don't ever let your kids watch the old classic "Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory". Is it just me, or is the whole communal grandparent bed in their cement block house just a little too disturbing for a child to process? I'm still scarred. Plus, the unachievable bliss of lickable wallpaper and the everlasting gobstopper just leave you hanging - forever - wishing. If someone invents either of those, I may be willing to reconsider.

Um, is this picture from a well renowned children's classic about the wonders of a magical candy-land or a scene from Schindler's list?
You tell me.





On wife-ing...

Barter with sex.*


*I realize that all the so called marital "experts" would disagree, but I'm sorry - there is something to be said for the success of deal executed around 11:45pm that leaves Tyler falling asleep smiling and me with a freshly delivered Taco Bell Chalupa in hand. He's happy, I'm happy. The best phrase to whisper/hear during your last smooch goodnight?...
"It was a pleasure doing business with you."


On Beauty...

The Body Shop's Vitamin E Spray.

Or Vitamin C spray.

I'm totally addicted. I don't know how I've lived without these. No girl's makeup should be completed without it. Just spritz lightly over your finished makeup (foundation, blush...the works) and you'll instantly notice a more supple, natural finish. I especially love the vitamin C spray during the summer heat, bring it in your beach bag and spray away to feel extra luxurious.


On gardening...

Grow one! Ours is getting exciting.




On reading...

I highly, highly recommend this book to anyone with a daughter
(Tyler will now be reading it three times over).
Dr. Meeker provides a wealth of studies and information reminding fathers of how absolutely essential they are to every aspect of their daughter's well-being, from their very birth onward. You'll feel a little freaked out by all the scary statistics, but more so inspired by the very tangible difference a good father can make. Sheesh, after just a few chapters a mom can get a little jealous: girls consistently need their Daddies soooo, sooooo much more than they get credit for. It's a relatively short read, but will leave you and your hubby more convinced and encouraged than ever that to be a Dad to your daughter is quite a magnificent calling, and not one to be taken lightly. Which also reminds me...be careful who your baby-daddy is.




On exercise...

Avoid gyms that have exercise rooms equipped with windows to the men's weight room (ahem, Gold's Gym). There is no reason to have a open view into the swimming pool. Seriously. I know what they were thinking...the original architects, as they master planned a gym where they envisioned muscle ripped men pumping iron while having their testosterone levels increased tenfold as they watch some sort of Megan Fox babe in a string bikini dive in and out of the lap lane. All that extra perspiration produced over taut, tan flesh and flexed biceps... what a way to attract customers, right? Genius. However, it was a terrible clash with reality the day I showed up in my goggles and maternity swimsuit wearing my kid's arm floaties. But trust me, watching some guy with massive rear-sweat attempting squats with an entirely too ambitious amount of weight hoisted over his shoulders is no picnic either.
The disappointment is mutual.










That's it for today....The end.






















3 comments:

Mrs. Officer Andelin said...

Thanks for giving me a good laugh before heading to bed.

Jamee
xoxo

Natalie in Sparks said...

OK this post is soooo funny! I was seriously laughing aloud to myself at 2:30 am since Cameron is gone tonight.

I forgot about that scene in Charlie and the chocolate factory! (at least since I forgot it that means I wasn't scarred for life as a child seeing it, right?) That is pretty disturbing!

Thanks for the info on the vitamin spray I will have to try it.

And the descriptive visual at the gym is so funny and so right on about that window! I actually just joined Golds this week, so maybe I can swim with you sometime. Don't worry I can wear goggles and floaties too, then you'll feel more comfortable. :)

Joan said...

You cheap whore! All you need is a chalupa in exchange for sex!? You should be ashamed of yourself! :) haha.
Oh how I love you for sharing that little story with me.