Thursday, February 10, 2011

We've found the bottom.

We celebrate the official demotion of this blog's credibility and dignity (as if it had either to begin with) in tonight's newest segment:




Please enjoy.


................

We entered the bathroom at Red Robin's this evening. After piano lessons and a massive migraine I had only two remaining items of business on the day's agenda: the avoidance of any and all forms of cooking and the consumption of a giant banzai burger with a side of fries smothered in ranch dressing.

London was actually in the process of being disciplined for continually crawling under the table and stealing the neighboring guests' container of Sweet & Low packets. We headed to the restroom for a time-out session. However, since we were already there, she quickly pounced on the opportunity to escape reprimand by announcing:

"Mom! I gotta go potty!"

Alright. We entered the stall and I helped her up on the toilet.

And we waited together.
.
.
.
.
.
.

For about 20 minutes.

This girl has a bowel system comparable to the efficiency of the local DMV.

"Are you done?"

"No."

3 minutes pass

"Are you ready?"

"No."


5 more minutes

It's the same process at home. And she always insists I accompany her, just for the visit. Strangely enough, these often become the most comedic and priceless moments of my day.

She shimmies and scoots herself into a comfortable position in the seat, looks up and admires her surroundings, and strikes up a conversation. We make small talk, until her eyes suddenly widen with alarm and disgust,

"Mom!!!! What schtinks (stinks)?!!!!"

"You London."

"Meee?"

"Yep. Your body makes poop, and that is a good thing. It's okay to have stinky poopy, we all do. However, if at some point in your life you encounter those who might accuse you of 'acting like your poopy doesn't stink', I prefer that you NOT kowtow to others insatiable insecurities by apologizing for your obvious superiority. Okay?"

"My poopy? I got a LOTTA poopy."

"Yes you do. Are you done now?"

"No."

5 more minutes.

Silence

Silence

Silence

"Mom, you're gwross (gross)."


"What?! I'm gross?!"

"No, I jus goking (joking). You're schtinkin' cute."


"Thanks, you're stinkin' cute too. Are you done yet?"

"No."

5 more minutes

Silence

"Mom....dance!"

"You want me to dance?"

"Yesh!"

"Ok."

***Shimmy shimmy shake spin twist and turn heel kick, tappity tap...ta daaaa!!!***

I perform in the 2'x 2' space allotment of the stall. She follows my lead, slightly shifting her little hips (still on the potty) left and right, smiling and tossing her shoulders to the beat of the restroom radio speakers quietly humming in the background.


"You done now?"

"Yep."



Until next time.


We wash up and return to the table where a curious Tyler raises his eyebrows over our extended absence.

All I reply is: "She's her father's daughter."


........................






My apologies.





















2 comments:

Mrs. Officer Andelin said...

That's hilarious.

Briggs is the same way. I finally convinced him that in my current condition I would throw up if I had to stay in there with him, so he now just yells..."MOM YOU WIPE MY BUTT?"at the top of his lungs until I come in. I finally convinced him to yell "DAD, YOU WIPE MY BUTT?". It's the best when Daron has his cop team over and they see what life with little kids is really about.

Jamee
xoxo

Joan said...

HILARIOUS! How I love her :)
Max is the SAME way on the potty with number which is funny unless you're waiting to consume a banzai burger.