Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Pardon the Interruption

Can I indulge myself in unabashedly, pathetically, nauseatingly sappy sentiment for just a moment?

I have recently been under a strong {and I believe divine} impression that I need to turn my focus inward. Simplify a few things and slow the whole process down, this life of mine. Allow myself the time to wallow around - taking pause to notice little things - and really, truly savor the enormous blessings I'm surrounded with. And when I say "allow myself the time", I really mean "fight, fight desperately for the time". Because one thing I've noticed, three children deep and well within the chaos of reality, is that the LEAST simple thing of all is to simplify. Time is not easily 'allowed' but rather fiercely grabbed, pocketed, and protected at gunpoint if necessary.

I worry too often that I give the impression that I'm extremely sociable and then freakishly cave-like. At gatherings I too quickly suggest "we should do lunch!", or "let's get the kids together" or "I plan on taking that class too!" or "I'll meet you at the gym"...etc. etc. etc. I say it with the fullest and most genuine of intentions but too often simply end up outed in my flakiness, the person who never actually meets you at the gym, or if there is any lunch at all it is six months later. I am frequently consumed with guilt. Between the phone calls, voicemails, emails, and texts: someone is always left hanging. Does this sound like a passive aggressive attempt at making myself sound popular?- good gracious I'm not. Most of the above conversations occur between family members who out of pure obligation must associate with me. So I guess I shouldn't feel too bad...

Shifting gears, I love being a mother, relish being a mother, adore till my toes tingle being. a. mother. I feel the same about wife-hood. Praise the heavens I married the most ravishingly handsome and funny companion, and I'm thoroughly intoxicated to this day. The combination of these two roles, motherhood and wife-hood, leave me feeling extremely wealthy and full of the best emotions in life. I make no apologies. Just typing that has my subconscious chiming in, "Rachel! Rachel! Alert! Alert! There are many women out there who struggle with their children, have miserable marriages, or are single and completely happy. There are successful world leaders and admirable CEO's, working mothers racked with guilt and stay-at-home mothers bored out of their minds...." and consequently I begin trying to frame my utter and complete infatuation with these roles in a more politically correct and socially-aware-all-encompassing format that will allow the karmic forces of the universe to leave me safely unnoticed in my one-dimensional, and yes, possibly ignorant perspective.

 But not today. 
Today, nobody - and I mean nobody - has it better than me.

{Check back tomorrow...I'm sure stories about feces and 
emotional outbursts will quickly resurface }

I've been listening more to that inner voice, the one telling me to stop apologizing and guilt-tripping over every little thing and instead congratulate myself on the small victories that preserve and protect that which is most important in life. If that means a voicemail isn't returned for five days simply because I was keeping up on reading lessons with the girls, or because I enjoyed cooking a meal for my family while blasting Pink Martini...if I cancelled the gym because Tyler and I were able to sneak off and get ice cream together... if I miss book club because I was too lazy and sat around nursing Ellie or napping with the girls...if I turn down another piano student even though it will mean more dinero to the monthly income..: hoo ya boo ya friggin awesome. I did it. I grabbed the time this world and life cycle doesn't seem to permit and shoved it in my little selfish pocket. Today was so blissful. While Lily was away at morning kindergarten, I folded laundry and Ellie napped. I listened as London dressed her babydoll while singing (new favorite song she sings: "Yook for da... Bare MeSesames, Bare MeSesames...Yook for the Bare MeSesames a' life!"  Bare Necessities/Disney's Jungle Book.)

And in that moment I felt so....content.

I don't always feel that way, so when these moments come...heck, I should really blog about em.

If the vast majority of my days are spent picking up toys and making beds, meal planning, date-nighting, park visiting, and ignoring any (if not all) forms of socializing, media, news, etc...I am learning to be okay. I am winning the fight, the good fight.

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