Thursday, October 13, 2011

Motherhood.






A little ambitious for only 14 weeks, wouldn't you say? 
Okay fine, I'm not sucking in. 
Truth be told, I could have given you this shot last May right after finishing lunch.

The belly is 
15% not sucking in
15% residual traces of previous pregnancy
25% Taco Bell soft tacos smothered in hot sauce
10% squeamishly bloated intestines (refer back to tacos)
35% baby


I could just die when I look at my children's faces. Honestly, I wonder if there will ever come a day that I don't feel that intense tug on my heartstrings every time I watch Lily run up to her classroom as I drop her off in the morning. Her ponytail bobbing back and forth and the backpack that envelopes seventy five percent of her perfect little girl frame. Last week as I volunteered to help in her class, I sorted through papers and put them into the corresponding folders. I came across hers and felt a giddy warmth of the same strand I would feel whenever I would hear the name "Tyler" as a teenage girl. I'm hopelessly in love and obsessed. The way she writes her name. Her love of multiple colors. It's bizarre and strange and I'm completely biased as I arrange the papers alphabetically. Lily's is the best. Simply the best. 
She challenges me daily. If there ever was an expectation set about my motherhood experience, this child was sent to redirect it. She's made it clear from birth she is her own person, and no amount of motherly controlling shenanigans on my part is going to hamper this spirit. The scary part for me lies in balancing this relationship. She needs direction, discipline, and explanations daily. But like a horse, she can smell fear, and I just know she senses my occasional intimidation with her almost astounding level of smarts and charm and humor. I dread the day she realizes she is smarter than me: which I am guessing, at her rate, will happen around the time she turns twelve. 


And Lundy girl, don't even get me started. I'm as wrapped up in her enchantments as she is with Disney's Tangled. And oh boy is she developing the widest spectrum of emotions. Dances and twirls and giggles can almost instantly (and without warning) dissolve into the most dramatic heap of sobs and screams. Tyler and I just look at each other in stupor. This child is crrraaaazy. My favorite of late are her verbal tirades, when she unleashes all angst with her wide almond eyes and jumbled vocabulary. I just want to grab her little face and mush my cheeks into hers. They are so mushy and good, and now framed by the most adorable A-line bob EVER. Did you notice?! She alternates between love and pure hatred for this new hair-cut. But mostly hatred, which makes me feel guilty for chopping the longer locks that I'm sure assisted her in identifying confidently as the actual, literal Rapunzel. It was a selfish Mom move on my part. I just wanted that gloriously little round face properly framed so I can stare at it and gush. She has her Daddy and I wrapped around her chubby finger. She still loves to snuggle and cuddle with me, a complete lovebug, and I am clinging desperately to the hope that this just might remain a permanent inclination of hers. Right now, as I type this, she is playing 'piano lessons' by herself in the other room. From what I can interpret, she is both the teacher and the student. I hear her exclaiming "Good job! Now try da udder sing!". Poor girl, with Lily at school she is all by her lonesome, but with her imagination it's never been too much of a struggle.

Ellie Jane jane jane. This little stinker. I can't even fathom that she is walking. Her first birthday is coming up and I spent the other night at Barnes and Noble, combing through every book on the shelves, until I finally found the one that will serve as my inspiration for her first birthday party. I like each of my girls to have a book that is "theirs". Somehow representative of their life, or personality, etc. I will reveal it later! It is cute as can be, just like my Ellie girl. Every morning, between exactly 6:45 and 7am, she wakes up and stands in her crib and begins calling out "Hiiiiiiiiii! hhhhhiiiiiii" to me. Her crib is in our room, about three feet away from where I sleep. We're real hippies like that. Co-sleeping and breastfeeding on demand and nudity and the whole shabang with our babies. They're either going to end up wonderfully secure in their adulthood or in repressed memory therapy. We'll see. The gamble is worth it, because aside from the misery of being pulled from my deep slumber, it is so fun to turn to the side and see her beaming little face smiling at me and ready to begin the day exploring. Her explorations have become quite expansive. I have frequently ended up calling for her throughout the house for a good five minutes before I find her: sometimes playing happily in my closet and sometimes splashing in a toilet. Just this morning we had a massive tug of war over a razor she had retrieved from under my bathroom sink. Luckily, it had a cap on it, but still! I was surprised at the amount of fight she put up for it. But a quick swoop up and a tickle on her fat belly still fixes about anything. I love this stage.

But make no mistake, this love and adoration doesn't exactly erase the plain and simple fact that this world we live in can be so, sooo difficult. Motherhood has stretched me to lengths of which I didn't realize I would stretch. Just the other day I had quite the meltdown. I locked the three of them in the backyard and allowed myself a good cry. The day had been one of nothing but whines and complaints, little fights and constant spills. It was miserably circular and I was running on extremely low fuel. By the time London dumped an entire glass of milk on Lily, I reached my breaking point. I cried to my mother, and later to Tyler when he saved me and took me to dinner for my regularly craved Vietnamese spring rolls. I was honest about my feelings. As shameful or guilt-inducing as they were, I felt no need to deny that I was feeling very much (at that point) disenchanted with my existence. This is hard... I cried. I wasn't ready for this....I feel trapped right now....I've never been very good at stuffing emotion. I think it is probably a good thing. No resentment build-up here! Denial has never been my go-to coping mechanism. I just explode on occasion and, for me at least, it seems to speed up the healing process. A few sweet and simple words from Tyler brought immediate comfort, namely when he said Remember Rae, we've been through this before, most of this is the hormones talking. Lol. It's a fact. Damn hormones! But sometimes, it isn't hormones. It's legitimate, damn truth. And that is when we know we need to change up things a bit. Re-assess and re-assign and re-organize. What I took from this meltdown was simply that I needed more sleep. And a get-away weekend with Tyler where we can just lie in bed and eat room service for three days. It's now on the calendar. Hallelujah! The next day I felt refreshed, and the day was miraculously charming. I found myself at multiple times throughout the day smiling internally at the blessings of my life and felt a renewed vigor to tackle the hard things. I think God has a hand in that. Uh oh, Rachel is really losing it....better send in some angels. Or something like that.


It's a crazy, beautiful ride around here. So grateful for it!
























5 comments:

Emily said...

You are SUCH a cute pregnant woman!! I am so jealous, the rest of your body stays perfectly skinny. And by the looks of your girls, I think you should have 5 more (kids that is:))

Karrasch Clique said...

Rachel! I stumbled onto your blog as I was bored with my hubs working nights this month...your girls are so stinkin' cute and you are adorable! Believe me...I think we all have those days of melt downs. It was fun to see how you are doing...it has been such a long time :)

Sara Karrasch (Sydenham)

The Mrs. said...

i just have to hurry and tell you how jealous i am of your cute cute cute pregnant self!!! You look amazing. I am so superficial.

Jamee
xoxo

Nonna said...

These grand girls of mine all have a special space in my heart. Each one different and unique--each with their own specialness. We can't wait to see what the next one offers to our family.
Love, Nonna

Emily said...

You are an awesome photographer and I am in the market for a nice camera. Do you have a suggest? What do you use?