Friday, April 6, 2012

All over the place.


If you're notice a flair of bi-polar,
a bit of dissonance 
as the universal thread laced throughout this blog

you're spot on.




Yes, Easter rice crispy baskets filled with peanut butter egg M&Ms family night activity is the most suitable chronological follow-up to the vegan/vegetarian/tofu/heavenhelpusfatAmericanMormons! post.








I am determined to get something done today. My house is in shambles.

Seems this baby won't be early. I was convinced she would be.
I can't explain it, but it feels like I've failed humanity when I go to my weekly checkup and am told I'm not dilated any further. Patience is not. my. forte. What?!? How could this be?! I've done such a thorough job of moaning and cramping and walking around the house hunched over in mock agony: isn't there anything to be said for the dishes piled in the sink and the unwashed children eating saltine crackers off of the carpet? 

........................................

Last week, I lost the cervical cap known by the dignified title of mucus plug. TMI? Tell me about it. I don't believe in being all willy nilly ashamed of normal body functions, especially regarding the female condition, but even I found it hard to mutter the words. I called Tyler at work,

"Hey babe..I lost my mpl this morning."

"Your what?"

"My mcsplg"

"Huh?"

"My mucus plug."

"I can't hear you."

"My mucus plug. You know, the bloody show."

"Oh, your MUCUS PLUG! YOU LOST YOUR MUCUS PLUG.
ATTENTION EVERYONE, RAE HAS LOST HER MUCUS PLUG!
CAN WE GETTA MUCUS PLUG IN HERE?!?!
MUCUS PLUG ALERT! MUCUS PLUG ALERT!

I hate you. Good bye.

That night at dinner he got up to grab me a drink.

Did you want a mucus plug to go with that babe?

No more children for him.

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I purchased the entire season, episode by episode, of The Real Housewives of Orange County.Watched one every night, thinking: oh, just one more. I'll have a baby soon.
Season is over. 
Dang.

I debated between purchasing The New York versus The Beverly Hills seasons and then decided I could no longer support such mind-numbing soul-less garbage. (cough cough...Beverly Hills, definitely purchased Beverly Hills.)
..................................................


I scheduled an acupressure massage yesterday to try to induce labor. I was excited speaking over the phone with the Chinese woman who would perform the reflexology:

"Um, hi - yes, I have a doctor's note giving permission to do anything that can stimulate labor."

"Yes yes, you hab baby."

"You think so? Does this work on your expecting clients?"

"Yes yes, you hab baby."

"Oh good!"

Only to arrive and realize there was a serious language barrier we were dealing with. I reiterated the above instructions and was met with a curious gaze. You mentioned certain pressure points that could stimulate labor? Remember, to have my baby? She looked at her husband and they shrugged their shoulders. We spoke about it yesterday? Blank, confusion. Okay nevermind, foot massage it is! It was hands down the best foot massage ever though.


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Off to do those dishes.

I'll keep ya posted.














1 comment:

Joan said...

”Can I get a mucus plug in here!!!”
Ah ha ha ha ha!!! Oh, I love you Rae! I do! :)
No one and I mean no one has the cajones to post about their mucus plug on their blog.
Hilarious and awesome. I love it.