Monday, December 17, 2012

raessay.


Lily lu's very first piano recital...



I'm a bit of a disaster today. Sitting here in my hotel room in Southern California. We spent yesterday looking for areas to live. So many factors to align:

commute
affordability
good schools
safe neighborhoods

and such. Honestly, it hit. It hit hard yesterday when I looked at Tyler and our realtor and said,

"Yeah, I like this house. I just have a few quick questions:

 WHERE THE HE&* AM I?
WHAT ARE WE DOING?!!!!
WHERE WILL I GROCERY SHOP?!!!
WHO WILL BE OUR FRIENDS?!!!
WHO WILL BE OUR CHILDREN'S FRIENDS?!!!
WHERE ARE THEIR GRANDPARENTS?!!
WHERE WILL OUR CHURCH BE?!!!"

The day before, Tyler and I engaged in the world's-lamest-immature -name-calling-spat-over-absolutely-nothing-brought-on-by-mutual-stress-and-exhaustion. And normally, when we have such arguments I know exactly what to do: storm out of the house, drive myself to the nearest Jimboys, eat my emotions, and spend roughly the equivalent of of one hour's worth of marital therapy on a new pair of boots at Off Broadway. But I don't know where the nearest Jimboys is here! Or if there even is a Jimboys!!!!

So, after pondering these questions while house hunting, I spent the rest of the evening crying in the hotel room. It needed to happen. I've been remarkably stable otherwise during this entire process...it was beginning to disturb me. Completely soaked in tears last night and blowing my nose into my shirt sleeve as Tyler offered to go get me a treat?: now here is the Rae we've all come to know best, right?
I needed to let it out. I'm scared.

Hopeful, faithful, excited, but scared.
I also feel a little like that satanic priest in the movie Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Ever seen that movie? Well, he basically rips out the beating heart of some frightened sacrificial victim in this one scene...i guess that is the best parallel I can draw to describe what it feels like I'm doing to the Grandparents we are taking our children away from. 

However, my anxiety mostly comes in the form of worrying that my children will be comfortable. Lily in particular. She is her mother's child. She invests deeply in her surroundings. In her relationships.
I read her an email from her teachers, saying how they'd miss her. And I sort of crumbled too, because we will miss them. I will miss her school. And, in the wake of these horrific tragedies in Connecticut, I'm feeling extra unsettled and protective of my children. I can't watch the television. Those sweet faces. Those little first graders. Nothing is more beaming and full of life than a first grader at school. I mourn for those parents. There are no words.






 {time for a good old fashioned ice cream sundae}





It certainly keeps these minor details of our life in perspective. 

I'm so grateful for my life, for these opportunities and adventures we are embarking on.

But, sometimes I need to simply collapse momentarily and offer up a tearful prayer. Help me, watch over me. Watch over us

All of us.



I'll let you know what we find soon (hopefully).



..................................................................


and!

Happy Birthday to my London! Turning FIVE!!!!
We will have big birthday plans when Mommy and Daddy get home: until then, Gamma and Pop have got it covered. whew!

{catching snowflakes...and yes, holding sharp scissors. Honestly, I have no idea what was going on when I snapped these photos. I'm going to assume we were doing some wonderfully productive super amazing child friendly craft demonstrating my competent parenting?}





London's first birthday HERE.

Second birthday HERE.

Third birthday HERE.

Fourth birthday HERE.




3 comments:

Bethy said...

HI Rae,

I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you guys. Good luck with everything! It can be really scary and I am sure much more with that glorious family of yours! Hang in there. You know the drill, we only get what we can handle right?!?

I have been crying for days too about CT :( Horrible, just horrible.

xoxo
Beth

PS: Your are adorable btw. You look fabulous in all your photos.

Lacy said...

Hey Rae... First of all, you no longer need Jimboys, there is the best hole in the wall cheap Mexican joint on every street corner in So Cal. How exciting for you guys...I can't imagine what it will be like leaving your families, they are such a blessing, but soooo much fun for them that they get to come visit you. Where are you moving.??? I have lots of friends who live in So Cal. Hopefully I will get to see you more. I never go to Reno but am in LA, Orange Country, and San Diego as much as I can be...Would love love love to see you more...Good luck with everything...You make everything so wonderful and cozy whereever you are....and CONGRATS to Ty on his work promotion. Your girls are gorgeous..Still living vicariously through you...

all my love xoxo Lacy

rae said...

Beth AND Lacy ?!!!? What a capital T TTTTREAT!
Beth- I hope all is well with you! I've seen pics of your cute little niece and always get round-about updates on you! Merry christmas!

Lacy- yes yes! Let's get together! I would so love to catch up and I'm glad we will be closer! I'll let you know where we will be living when I actually know MYSELF?!! Wish me luck!