Tuesday, December 18, 2012

tuesday, and another raessay.


and i'm still crying.

Geeez....i am such a freak sometimes. 

But, i have an hour before I catch my flight and so i'll take advantage of this solitude and spill some thoughts. First, i hate the television. and the internet. and the newspapers. 

No, I take that back. i just hate the information they hold. the realities that we witness that are so horrible and linger. we hear of sadness every day. tragedy every day. heartache every. single. damn. day. 

there is also so much good. in fact, i still remain convinced that if we look closely and deeply and also broadly enough, we will find enough of it to outweigh the bad. 

but every now and then the bad is so bad. it just sticks out like the ugliest festering wound. and no matter how much beauty surrounds it, on the body of life as a whole, the stench of this gaping injury just rots and turns your stomach until you don't want to see or be near any of it. good or bad. every now and then a sadness hits that takes me by surprise.

i've been to a handful of funerals in my lifetime, and this is an honest and hateful thing to admit but here i go anyways...i remember looking at some random person in the audience who i judged to be crying too hard for what i deemed their degree of separation from the deceased. i thought in my head, seriously? enough with you waterworks. get control of yourself. you barely KNEW this person.you are outshining the grief of the people who rightfully DESERVE to cry... you big drama queen.

ouch, am i a self-righteous little biotch or am i a self righteous little biotch? exactly. 

and then,
 i remember a time when i heard that someone had died. someone who wasn't very close to me. in fact, we were only acquaintances. she had been fighting a disease for a while and i would get on and off updates on what was going on through my mother. one afternoon i was coming home from a trip with a girlfriend and tyler picked me up at the airport. he mentioned while we were driving home that so-and-so had passed away. 

and i. shut. down.

hours later, as we were home and going about the day, he later mentioned something unrelated and i just looked at him like: YOU. PIG.

how can you SPEAK?

how can you mention anything even remotely TRIVIAL at a time like this?

why IN ALL OF THE NAME THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY IS THIS WORLD STILL FREAKING TURNING?!!!!! 

A GIRL DIED TODAY! A MOTHER DIED TODAY! A BEAUTIFUL REAL LIVE BREATHING MOTHER! SHE HAD A BABY. A REAL. BABY. AND LOVE FOR THAT BABY. AND DAMN IT SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO RAISE THAT BABY. AND SMELL AND CUDDLE AND WATCH HER BABY GROW. AND THIS IS NOT. THIS IS NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT

NOT.
NOT.
NOT.
NOT. 
NOT.

OKAY. 

SO SHUT UP EVERYBODY. STOP TURNING, WORLD. SCREW EVERYTHING. I HATE AND I CRY AND I MOURN EVERYTHING TODAY. I AM SAD. SO SINCERELY ANGRILY SAD AND MISERABLE AND I WANT TO PUNCH SOMEBODY IN THE FACE.

i remember for a few days after that trying to stuff the feelings of sadness i had about it. judging myself for what i, once again, deemed some sort of disproportionate and unjustified reaction to how well i actually knew her. clearly, in my mind, i was overstepping my bounds.

and then i realized.
 wow. we all feel deepest that which we know.

i am a mother. i have a baby. and because of that, i can actually, genuinely FEEL. it is not my pain, and yet it is. it feels selfish? and yet also connective? i felt for the first time the meaning of 

mourning with those that mourn

even at a distance. 

even if she didn't know me well.

i am still feeling that way today. those shootings have rocked me more than i want to admit. i have a beautiful little first grade child. just like those mommas. those mommas who know their little first graders. the 30 second clip of news that i watched today mentioned one of them who loved to color.   she brought markers with her everywhere and drew pictures. dozens and dozens of them. i had to turn it off.  i know that momma with that first grader. and i SCREAM in my soul, in the deepest parts of a broken heart for their sadness.

 and the teachers. THOSE WONDERFUL TEACHERS

the two best parts of the world really: children and teachers.

and so yes, judgmental me says this is a little over the top and i need to get a handle on it. and i will. but another part of me...way way way back in the quiet and knowing part of my being, is aware and comfortable with the notion of feeling.










3 comments:

Heather said...

Wow. That pretty much sums up exactly what I feel. So well put. I am new to your blog and I have to say, I just love it. (I found your blog through Anne with an 'e'.) I am de-lurking now, hope that's ok :)

Whitney said...

Rachel, this post actually made me cry. For some reason this past weekend has really effected me as well. Im not a momma, I dont have children but I have been so upset about this. I think you are one amazing woman! This was the perfect post for me to read today.

Whitney Martinez

rae said...

@ heather
hello and welcome! no need to de-lurk!

@ whitney -
thanks for your comment. and regardless of whether we have children or not, we all can feel loss and what it means. especially you, who i so admire because you've dealt with some pretty tough stuff in your life! love you whit!