Tuesday, March 26, 2013

A frank confession.




So yeah, the internet is all a riot with the latest current events as per usual.

I sometimes log on and find myself pensive for the entire day. Stewing and thinking and going back and forth and being all weirdy. Then I inevitably bark at my children and make a real spectacle of myself and then have to calm down that night and say self, what is really at the core of your angst?

So I'm just going to spill what is on my mind rather than stare at the ceiling trying to fall asleep while having private conversations with myself like I usually do. (Rae Rae be Cray Cray)

Most of the talk and discussion I'm seeing flying around is centered on redefining marriage. Spoiler alert, I'm really not going to get into that. I'm still quite angsty about the whole thing and have so, so many questions still and have yet to form any really big or public opinions.

BUT, heaven forbid Rae not have a bold and potentially offensive opinion about something, right?! I think I did discover what I was feeling very strongly about, and it really didn't have much to do with the whole homosexual versus heterosexual marriage debate but rather stemmed as a tangent from it. Somewhere in the midst of a conversation with someone I managed to talk my way through what was really troubling me. It was like I heard what I said out loud and then went, AAA HAAAA! This is what I'm actually passionate about!

At some point I said something to the effect of,

"Ya know, I guess I'm having a hard time feeling convinced enough that I should take a stand on what one man and one man choose to do inside of  a marriage when instead I care MORE about what the heterosexual man who has fathered two children OUTSIDE of the context of marriage is doing, the man not paying child support. I care MORE about the heterosexual man who uses women without commitment of any kind. I care MORE about the women exploited in the heterosexual porn industry. I wish society spent a little bit more time picketing and shouting about THAT sort of behavior than anything else. For all the debate out there, I find homosexual monogamy incredibly less threatening to the "well being of society" than heterosexual or homosexual promiscuity."

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I believe sex is the strongest, most powerful form of human expression. I believe sexuality is probably the single most influential factor in human relations. It is at the essence of our very being. Or, as once brilliantly expressed by Deepak Chopra, when a fellow critic mocked the idea that a God would even care what we "do in the bedroom", he responded with:

"But Sir, you are referring to
the mechanics of creation."

I believe sex is beautiful and amazing and super fun (with the right person...holla back Tyler! wink). I believe in monogamy. I believe in the healing and transcendent and connective power monogamous sex has.

I love sex and sexuality.

I love and treasure my experiences with Tyler. It is not lost on me: how hard it really can be to find a person so willing to commit their entire life, heart, body, and soul to another. Seriously, I have a guy who--despite all that's out there-- consciously decided to have sex with me and only me for the rest of his life?!!! And even better, he chose to marry someone who would then blog about it publicly: sign this guy up for eternity!

 I plan to make him fer darn sure glad he did. 

{And I remind him he better make me feel the same. yes sirree.}

I marvel in wide eyed amazement that our enjoyment of each other could lead to the literal creation of other little human beings. Miraculous little human beings!? This is nuts I tell you!

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I also believe sex can be damaging.
Just as I believe that sex is the single most influential factor in human relations, I believe its influence can extend into creating the destruction and misery and poverty we see around us regularly. I believe an incomprehensible amount of human suffering is the result of people misusing and abusing this glorious power.

 As a mother you are constantly on guard to protect your children from harm. And for me, I am ready and willing to do battle with anything that would inflict violence on my children. I find the overly gluttonous and hyper-sexualized culture of our completely excessive society to be spiritually violent. I know that statement sounds dramatic. But truth be told, I really think it is just that. I have come across things in my lifetime that felt just that way. And we're not talking the normal heeby jeebies or  squeamies you get when you talk about penises and vaginas and orgasms and all the jazz that made for a super fun sex ed convo with your parents (ew double ewww).

 Rather, it was particulars I encountered in the world outside that exposed me to certain twisted realities that turned my insides and made me feel enormously shocked and saddened and demeaned. Images or ideas that aren't easy to shake and leave you feeling forever less innocent, and not for the better.  I call it mind-rape.

Just as it is undeniable that we are an obviously obese and out of control society in our eating habits, I believe the same can be said of our sexual appetites. And we just keep feeding and wanting more and more and more of the most bizarre, unnatural, nasty substances ever.

I worry about the sort of men my girls will date and marry. I worry about what expectations they will feel they must fulfill. I worry that their experiences will be tainted by boys and men who feed off of  unnatural and excessive amounts of porn, self centered gratification, unchecked behavior, and childish notions of accountability. I worry that they will date men who think women are objects to find arousal and temporary amusement in. Sets of breasts and vaginas and buttocks. Something to gaze upon and lust after or throw a dollar towards. A warm body to satisfy themselves without commitment.

I worry that my girls will end up fearing sex. Or hating sex. Or worse, using sex as a means to get power or find validation. Which would be such a shame because it is one of  the best God given gifts we've been equipped with.

Yes, I worry. I worry a lot.

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So I am ready to do battle for them. I don't care how unpopular it is, or how unfashionable. I highly doubt, as their mother, that popular or fashionable would ever be the adjectives they'd use for me anyways. Might as well get used to it. I will tell them it is bullcrap and a half they are being fed out there. That for all the images and the media and the messages and the supposedly casual nature of sex bombarding their psyches,
 it is still sacred. 
 It deserves respect.
 It deserves limits.
 It deserves thought.
 It deserves attention. 
It deserves effort.
 It deserves conversation. 
It deserves marriage.




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Post edit

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