Thursday, January 30, 2014

Inner Life Therapy.

I just need to take a study break and mentally vomit all over this blog right now.

Does that ever happen to you? Information overload? Thought overload? Worry overload?
It's a regular occurrence for me. I suppose, in many ways, I ask for it. I'm becoming too much of an information junkie. Is that even possible? To be indulged with too much information too often? I think it is actually. I kinda picture it like being a computer that's been jammed with too many files. Once you've overloaded the storage capacity they start intermittently freaking out and slowing down and swearing at everyone.

Oh wait, the swearing part? That's just me I guess.

I have a problem with swearing. It flares up in its greatest severity when I'm annoyed with my studies. I am almost done with my degree, but not really because I'm just going to keep moving directly into my next one so this will be a never-ending track for me. And every time I finish a course I hope that I will be closer to something objective, something objectively true. So if you are like me and searching for a myriad of well mapped, integrated, comprehensible, discernible, objective truths -- complete with clear proofs and solid theories - then psychology is not the subject for you. It is fascinating and complex. Its history is simultaneously replete with remarkable discoveries, insights, and total bullshit. This combination can be frustrating. I recently listened to a podcast where a world renowned astrophysicist remarked that we know more about the earth, other planets, space AND distant galaxies, than we do of the small three pound human brain. It's incredible. And incredibly annoying.

Because, when seeking an education, you set out to know things. And after all that work what do you end up with? The stark realization of how much you really DON'T KNOW.

And for know-it-alls like myself, this is like a horse pill of annoyingness to swallow every damn day.

There I go again. Swearing.

Which as a Mormon, I might as well admit, presents another cultural identity crisis in and of itself. Get a handle on your divine nature, Rae. Sheesh.

The other day, Lily had a friend over after school who also goes to church with us. I kid you not, this happened:

The kids were working on homework and this little friend made an error on one of her papers and proclaimed, "SHOOT!"

Lily corrected, innocently: "You mean SHIT. That's what my Mom says."

Oh shiiiiiiii&.

I mean...oh NOOOOOOOO.

I countered: "What?!!! No I don't, Lily! I say SHOOT too!"

Lily looked at me, squinting knowingly: "Yes you do. When something really bad happens."

I said: "Well, you may have misHEARD me, I was saying SHOOOOOT."

Lily: "Nope. You say shiiiiiiiiit. And now you're being a liar."

Lily and her little friend just looked at me. And I looked down.

"Brownies anyone? They're homemade! Please don't tell your Mom?"

Swearing is really such a degenerative behavior. It is just so trashy. I have never seen another woman who swears and thought "How attractive" or "She's so intelligent" or "Yes. yes. Profound." So why do I do it so easily? It's mostly when I'm frustrated. Nothing gives me a release like dropping a host of expletives when civilized language fails to do the trick. I think that is what is at the heart of the matter: it doesn't sound good, but it can sure feel good.

Anyways, I'm working on it. So, please, don't be a little bitch and go judging me over it.

heh heh.

Back to thought/mind overload. Some days, I am living so inside my head. Between reading or podcasting or searching the internet for more information on my current subject of the day, I just think I'm getting way too weird. Or maybe I'm not weird? Maybe the fact that people don't regularly exchange about substantive issues is the really weird thing? Who knows. There are so many subjects I would like to have conversations about outside of a classroom, with regular people and friends. Oh well, a girl can dream.

But, I also think that thinking can be over-thought. Does that make any sense? Sometimes, we need to de-board the thought train and go wander around outside. Smell the air. Splash around in a stream. Enjoy the scenery instead of constantly talking about it or observing it or analyzing it or measuring it. Because there is nothing like rollicking in the actual scenes of your life. To THINK and to LIVE.

Think. Live. Reflect. Relive.

That is a good cycle, in my opinion.

Some ways I try to 'de-board the thought train" often involves my children.

They are like the wise prophets of The Present. They teach and model enjoying life with abandon and immediacy. Any time I'm too caught up in the responsible, thinky, worry business of adult life, nothing can unwind me like getting down on the floor or going outdoors with my kids.

Another way is to listen to music. I have actually had to ban myself from podcasts on certain days. I find myself tempted and say NO. NO THINKING ALLOWED. Just MUSIC and BEATS. That helps too.
Other times, it is sex with my husband. Because nothing shuts down my brain quite like him. It's also a time when swearing is permissible and even encouraged. Ha! Ha! Oh NOoooO she. didn't.!!!!. What is going on right now?!!? You stop in expecting a photo of a craft or a meal plan idea and BLAMMO, what do you get? Mind assaulted.

That paragraph right, actually, this ENTIRE BLOG... is my insurance policy against ever being called to be the Young Women's President. Ward bulletin organizer for life for me! Now that is objective truth.

I'm sorry. This post has no business being in your head right now.You did nothing to deserve this. Another victim to the senseless, free internet.

And oddly enough, I feel better now.

Have a great weekend! Don't think too much.


Lacy said...

OOOKKK..This is FANTASTIC! I write a lot because I am so inside my head all the time, and I CONSTANTLY think about having a blog because I have a ridiculous amount random knowledge. I am obsessed with researching and I am a sponge. BUT then I think, why would anyone want to read about what you have to say, I don't want to be one of those blog "ranters" either, and I am so opinionated I probably would probably start WWIII online. Also, you have a way with words. I sometimes think, does she proof read 10 times!!!! When I write it looks like I threw up all over the page, random, bad grammar.
If I had a blog THIS post is EXACTLY what my posts would look like.


Information overload...haha..sooo I am a total freak. I have an OCD issue with researching everything. If I could I would continuously be a student majoring in EVERYTHING. I lay in bed at night and read articles and watch you tube videos on the Pacific Plastic vortex, Religion and Politics (I am obsessed with learning about world religions, all of them, when I travel the first thing I do is learn about the Religion about the part of the world I am traveling too, I go to Mosques, Buddist temples, Hindu temples, Cathedrals, I love Religion) sustainable development, anatomy, medicine (Eastern and Western) humans impact on the world, mental illness (born with vs. learned behavior) this is why I am obsessed with travel and culture, there is sooooooo much to learn, so much knowledge to obtain. So I get you sister friend, an information junkie!
My biggest anxiety in life is that I am going to die without fullfilling all that I expect and want for myself, and man, my list is LONG and how I am going to make traveling, child raising, a relationship and profession I am passionate about plus obvisouly saving the world (eye roll) all compatible is beyond me!
My roommate recently just actually sat me down to have a serious "roommate" talk. Yes generally that means you are too messy, or party too much, not in my house, my passion for EVERYTHING, the podcasts I am constantly listening to and how I am pushing everyone around me to become "more aware" is making her nuts. Plus she is literally becoming depressed because I am so obsessed with all these difficult, sad issues like global hunger, water issues, North Korea, Africa, being single and childless at almost 30!! etc. etc. But they don't make me sad, I am a "glass half full kind of gal" who naively believes that we can make a change, and be the difference "cliche?" If everyone became just a little more aware. My New Years resolution was to stop talking and pushing and just enjoy, and spread my worldly knowledge on the youth, and stop expecting my peers to be like me...(Today I did my first presentation about shark conservation, marine ecosystem, and sustainable development to a 5th/6th grade classroom, soo that is my new focus on where to funnel some of my passion.)
Also, I I listen to about 10 podcasts regularly and am ALWAYS looking for new ones and I am pretty open minded and broad if you have any suggestions!!!!
Soooo bottom line, is I don't think you are weird, and if you ever need anyone to chat with about substantive issues I'm down! Your swearing issue, oh man, I am so shamed that I have the mouth of a pirate and EVERYTIME I curse I hear Nana in my head with her proper English aacent telling me I am far too beautiful to have such an ugly mouth..trashy..working on it.
See why I don't have a blog, I have RANTED..FOREVER..on your blog, and made it about ME.....Oh man...this does not need to be in YOUR head!! Good luck with the studying!!

Love always, your old friend...LACY XO

Lacy said...

One more thing..when I was just in LA I was there looking at schools, thinking of moving there in a year or so to go back to school, I would really love to spend time with you. I appreciate your debth and honesty.

Also I am really into cooking and have used lots of your recipes, and they are always a big hit!

Emily said...

OH MAN!!!!! Dying laughing! My husband read the story about Lily (I hadn't got down to the bottom of the post yet when I called him over, but he will read THAT part too when he gets home) and he said "I HAVE to meet that little girl. She is awesome. And totally agree when that last portion. Uh huh.

Rachel Haack said...

Sending you an email my friend. Let the deep convos begin! I am taking a world religions class as we speak and it would be so fun to exchange about after all your travels.
Now hurry and move to LA so we can sit at lunch or poolside for hours and hours and talk each others heads off.

Rachel Haack said...

Hahahaaaaa! I just knew the knights were all kinda of kinky! You don't make such adorable, rambunctious red head boys (the CUTEST) without some hot lovin', am I right or am I right?
And tell your husband two things:
1. I am embarrassed he read anything. I forget that men are capable of logging onto a computer too. I always imagine I'm talking to a good girl friend (like you!). So yeah, sorry about that.
2. Thank you. I think lily is awesome too. I really should stop ruining her.

Emily said...

And before you think your swearing has ruined your children, I called my 20 month old a little shit face (in the sweetest tone possible, of course) and was immediately copied by my 4 year old. Mother of the year right HER!

Joan said...

God gave you Lily for a reason! That girl has zero fear calling her mother out! Ha ha!
I thoroughly enjoy taking peeks into your brain via your blog. It doesn't scare me.. Just makes me feel normal! :)